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Chapter 3: My Blue Heaven

9/11/2015

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A very large part of my old raft is taken up by My Blue Heaven, and that will of course have to be moved to the new raft once I build it. My Blue Heaven is the name I gave my condo after I bought it from my best friend and moved in the September of 2000...almost exactly 15 years ago as I type this. You may be getting the idea by now that this raft of mine is actually a very large thing, and you'd be correct. The new raft I build will also have to be very large, of course, though I will be scaling it down as much as I can--that is one of the very few plans I have already determined. It will have to contain My Blue Heaven for sure.


You probably already guessed that the condo is blue--it is mostly, but it's a very gray blue, truth be told. Also, in full disclosure, the name for my condo was inspired by the Steve Martin movie by that title. My reasons for naming it that, though, have nothing to do with any happenings in the movie...I just liked the name. I had never named a home before--probably because I had never owned a home before. In fact, up until I bought My Blue Heaven, I had never lived in the same home for more than three years even once since my birth. I was raised in a military family, and spent my entire life moving (that's a story we won't get into in this blog, as I'm not covering aspects of my life that happened before the building of my last raft). I didn't buy My Blue Heaven as an investment, or to make the often wise choice of owning rather than renting. No, I bought it simply because I didn't want to ever have to move again--seriously, that was the only reason. In most respects, I'd honestly much rather rent than own, but not having to move has been my top priority for many, many years. I digress. I seem to do that a lot.


Emptying everything from storage, and opening boxes that had been sealed for many years, was a great feeling of course after I moved in to My Blue Heaven. It was really during that time that Alaska genuinely became my home, though I had already lived here for several years. I had almost half of a decade here in this condo by myself (aside from my canine companion Sheba) before Weasel was born. It was very much a bachelor's pad for most of that time...action figures, rock posters, cinder block shelves, general lack of furniture...you can imagine the rest, I suppose. Where you'd expect to find food, you might find compact discs; where you'd expect to find a recliner, you might find a tool box; where you'd expect to find a bed, you might find a drafting table. And so on. I remember trying out plants a couple of times, but I could never seem to keep them alive. I have only plastic plants in My Blue Heaven to this day...and now you know why. They don't provide oxygen, but they also don't die. There might be a lesson in there for me somewhere, no? And I suppose I might as well toss these plant food spikes now, as I'm thinking about it. 


My bedroom ended up becoming a sanctuary for me--which it remains to this day--though it has taken on many different looks over the years. I used to have newspaper routes when I first moved in to My Blue Heaven, so I was able to furnish my home with items people threw out in the trash. I used to have a short table that I covered with a red silken cloth, and it became an altar for me in my bedroom. I remember how we were supposed to tithe 10% of our possessions to God, so I actually measured off 10% of my bedroom floor space around the altar and designated it as holy--I would not set foot in that area except to pray. And I wouldn't even enter that space to pray until I had recited The Lord's Prayer sincerely, and was certain I was harboring no resentment toward anyone. That table and altar are long gone now, but their memory remains...as do dozens of holes in the wall where all different types of crosses were hung above it. I also have memories of a VCR I found in the trash, though the VCR itself is also long gone. Among the items pilfered from the curb, only the golden floor lamp and the alarm clock remain--to the best of my knowledge.  In fact, that alarm clock sits next to my bed and rousts me for work in the most trustworthy of ways to this day. 


The upstairs bathroom was repainted by H, while she was pregnant with Weasel...a submarine gray color I call it--and she added self-adhesive fish laminates, and a shower curtain with various tropical fish on it. The shower curtain remains, as well as most of the self-adhesive fish--some of them were picked at by Butterfly when she was little and ended up being removed. 


There are also random stickers in many places throughout My Blue Heaven, all placed there by Butterfly at different stages of her life. And there are colored marker heiroglyphs from her in a few places as well...I believe I've managed to clean off most of her crayon markings from the walls. Weasel was never into defacing walls, for whatever reason--or anything else for that matter. 


Overall, My Blue Heaven became much less bachelor-pad-like after Weasel and Butterfly were born, as you might imagine. Deciding how much to bachelor-ize the new raft will be a recurring thought for me, I think, throughout its planning. 





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Chapter 2:The Blessing Of The Weasel

9/9/2015

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Now that I believe I've established just why I need to build the new raft--and the old raft is safely secured to the trunk of a beautiful and sturdy tree--I supposed it was time to begin sifting through the archives that have long been aboard. I started near the rear of the raft, in a small cabin that was one of the first additions to my trusty vessel.


Though H was technically a big part of the reason this particular addition to the old raft was built, it was really the birth of Weasel that began changing our center of gravity as we drifted down my river. I didn't know this at the time, of course, and it struck me as funny (in an interesting way) how sometimes the physically smaller nouns upon a raft seem to alter its balance much more noticeably than the larger ones. And even funnier (in an interesting way), the nouns that have no measurable mass at all upon Earth can have the greatest impact of all. Perhaps there is a lesson in that somewhere for me? I digress.


So I found this small wooden chest tucked in the corner of the small additional cabin, and it was a bit weather-stained. The lid creaked softly as I lifted it open, and what do I find inside but the memory of when I blessed Weasel--just as he had blessed me a few days previous--when he emerged from the launch tube. You might have guessed by now, this is the very event captured in the photo that precedes this. I was fairly jubilant in discovering this memory, and I called my lovely assistant over to share in my joy. Ever the disinterested feline, she sniffed, swooshed her tail, and reminded me that I still have a lot to learn about cats. No matter, at least she stole none of my joy. She is a good assistant.


This is the first time I have ever told anyone about blessing Weasel--even H and Weasel don't know about it or that this photo exists. I'm more spiritual than I often let on to people, and I've been known to do odd things like this from time to time when my heart moves me to. In the event you're wondering how H and Weasel still don't know about this, it's simple: Weasel was far too young to have a conscious memory of it, and I did it late at night while H was sleeping--in the garage (Weasel and I were in the garage, not H). I can even remember the exact date that picture was taken, because I blessed him exactly 8 days after his birth--that is when my heart had told me I should do it. It was February 3, 2005. 


That blessing became more important over time, as I continue to learn. See, when I blessed Weasel, what I really did was dedicate him to God. I lit two candles (one white, and one red), I burned frankincense, and I quietly thanked God for this amazing gift and assured Him that I understood this was His child, not mine;  I understood that He was kind enough to allow me to care for His child while it was in this world, though ultimately it was not my property--only my responsibility. I assured Him also that I would always do my best to care for Weasel. I concluded the blessing by sprinkling holy water upon him (the holy water was a gift from a Russian friend--it was water she had saved from when her baby was blessed at the Russian Orthodox church). 


Perhaps something in my heart knew that H would be hopping of my raft at some point, I really don't know...I only knew I felt the need to bless him. As H and I parted ways and there was much fear of the unknown, reminding myself that this is God's child--not mine--helped calm me. It assured me that if she ever decided to use Weasel as a way to be vindictive toward me, she would be messing with the Dude Upstairs, not me. It helped me to feel that, whatever the outcome may be, Weasel would always be protected. Thankfully, I can honestly say that H never attempted such a thing, and I will always give her credit for that. I can't stress enough how much peace this continues to bring me as the years march on.






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Chapter 1: Remembering The Old Raft

9/7/2015

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My old raft that has served me well for so many years was a pretty simple and small one, though of course it got much larger over time. When I first built it, I needed only room for myself, an occasional friend hitching a ride for a bit, some books I enjoyed reading, and quite a few compact discs I enjoyed listening to. My trusty canine companion Sheba was on that raft for about 13 years too, until I had to build her own little raft for her...because we came upon a small tributary that led to her own sea of forever, and we bade a touching farewell. A framed picture of Sheba has remained on the mantle of the old raft, and I will certainly bring it aboard the new raft once I have built it.


That simple raft and I had countless great days together, and it's going to be hard to let that raft go. Even now as I type this, I think of how I might just use a few of the boards from the old raft to build my new one...for old time's sake, you know. Maybe. We'll just have to see.


That old raft really began growing when H came into my life. She was a noun that had intended to ride this raft with me until the end, but fate had other ideas. She has another raft these days, and I suspect it must be very large. Before she jumped off my raft, however, we managed to make two other nouns--Weasel and Butterfly. Of all the nouns I believed would be with me on my raft until the end, I thought for sure it would be them--and they WERE on my raft until May 4, 2014. They didn't jump off my raft by choice...just fate again, you know. I will remember the exact date always because it was Star Wars Day (May the 4th be with you, and all that). 


Obviously, Weasel and Butterfly were a major part of multiple expansion projects to my old raft...and in many cases they even helped build the additions. There were also many other nouns that jumped on to my raft once Weasel and Butterfly were there. Apart from them, but while they were there, I found a new love for vintage audio gear, and particularly for record albums. Those familiar will realize that of course vintage audio gear tends to be clunky and take up lots of space--especially the gradual accumulation of record albums! So yeah, more additions to the old raft of course. 


Backing up just a bit, my father and his raft found his sea of forever on November 30, 2007, which also ended up affecting my raft indirectly--and my mom of course had to build a new raft too, which she floats peacefully down her river upon to this day. I was moved enough by my father's departure from this world to begin making music again--after many years of NOT making music, and even swearing off me ever making it again a time or two...or three. So of course that led to more expansion to my raft as I needed equipment to record the music I was so inspired to make. And so it was. 


During a holiday visit with his family in 2010, an old noun from high school happened to jump on to my raft for a night and managed to convince me that I should do something with those songs--that maybe they were a larger part of my raft. More nouns, as the music became something serious again in my life. Not all the nouns took space on my raft, but many did. More expansion, more building. More fun, but also more seriousness. Energy was strong with me in those days, so the labor involved in expanding my raft was no trouble at all. I literally whistled as I worked. And there were also new friends that jumped aboard my raft from time to time, and they pitched in. It was a happy and beautiful season.


In the summer of 2011, Twillerbee spotted my raft...she was flagging me down from an embankment. Though she had her own raft in her own river, she had jumped off it, and seemed to be just wandering through the woods along MY river. I of course pulled my raft ashore, and we learned about each other. Weasel and Butterfly highly approved of course--and though she would have to return to her own raft, she made it clear she belonged on mine. It took some convincing, but I came to believe also that ultimately she belonged on my raft. And so she jumped on and off of my raft for a few years, balancing time between my raft and her own. But fate is always a step ahead of us, and the dice really are sometimes loaded. Managing multiple rafts on multiple rivers, it seems, is VERY hard and exhausting work. It took its toll, and she jumped off my raft for the last time  in 2014, just as Weasel and Butterfly did. I should point out, though, that Weasel and Butterfly do still hop on to my raft, though not as often as I like. They will always be a part of my raft, sometimes. 


So after many years of expansion on my raft, it suddenly became much lighter and quieter in 2014. The entire raft became out of balance, and I spent much of the year shifting things around, rearranging things to try and keep my raft level. The clunky vintage audio gear was most helpful in this respect! I could never really get the raft perfectly level anymore, and I even went so far as to recruit a feline companion named Kaylee in October, who would become my lovely assistant who does her very best to keep our raft level. We got our raft very close to perfectly level, but the quiet lingers and kept us ever perfecting it. More nouns continued to hop on and off the raft, causing me to spend too much time patching holes and shifting weight around. At one point I had to toss the songs I recorded because they were making it impossible to keep the raft level. I considered recording new songs to keep the raft level, but realized that they too would only complicate things further. More nouns, more shifting and patching--more work. And me, so exhausted from years of expansion. 


So I pulled my old raft ashore, and tied it to a tree. And here it remains forever more. It will float no more down the river. And here, my lovely assistant and I will remain until we get that new raft built and return to the river. It's not so bad in the woods upon the shore. The river is always flowing, and it always will. I can always watch it, always touch it, and It will be ready to carry me when my new raft is complete. 







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Introduction: Why I'm Building A New Raft

9/7/2015

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So here I am again...another crossroads in my life...perhaps the beginning of a new era for me, perhaps revisiting a past one. I'm not sure yet...not sure of many things in my life these days, but I know I love and cherish my life and I'm in no hurry for it to end.


And I know it's time to build a new raft.


The old raft is certainly obsolete, and the constant patching of holes has become too much of a burden--slowing me down and draining my energy. I will take my time building this new raft, and I've not even drawn up plans for building it yet. It will be a process--perhaps a tedious process--and certainly a necessary process. And I will find ways to adore this process, and maybe in some ways the new raft will help build itself...as the old raft did.


The old raft I refer to here was by no means my first, but it's as far back as I'm going to go for the purpose of this journal. So yes, this blog will become my journal, for all intents and purposes. In the event I were to go away for whatever reason--whether by personal choice or nature's choice--there are people I believe would want to know and remember another side of me here online--a more personal side. This web page will remain hidden, meaning it won't be accessible from the menu, and I've chosen to block it from coming up in online searches for the time being. If you are reading this, it means someone gave you a link to it.


Those that know me well from social networking will know how important it has always been to me that online communication be a two-way street. I have preached it for several years now, and I will always feel that way about it. Social networking has been a dance for me, an ongoing dialogue...and I've made some lifelong friends along the way that I will always cherish. But now I'm at a place in my life where I need something that is one-sided. I need to share myself with myself, if that makes sense to you. I could write this journal in a notebook as I have done in years past, but I want to do something a bit different here...I want to share with no thought of a response from others, though maybe they'll stumble upon it someday; I want it to be a part of my legacy left behind for years after I've left this world. I'm trusting the Internet will be around as long as humans exist, so the odds are much better of finding it this way as opposed to you stumbling onto an old box stashed under my captain's bed (where all my old journals are now).


So besides being tired of patching holes, and finding the old raft obsolete, why exactly am I building a new raft...what do I mean by that? I mean that life is dynamic...nouns come in and out of our lives all the time. Much as we like to think of some things as permanent, nothing really is...the only things we know we have in this life are the things in front of us this moment. We find our river, we build our raft, and we float down the river on it. All the while, nouns are jumping on and off of our raft--some just hitching a ride for a bit to rest themselves, some having every intention of staying all the way to the end. Here's a hint: no nouns ever stay all the way to the end no matter their intentions--life is just that dynamic--and at the end, when your river finally carries you to the sea of forever, it will be just you and that raft. Then you'll wave goodbye even to that trusty raft, and it will just be you...and the ever after, whatever that ends up being for you. 

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