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Chapter 15: Romeo's Delight & Thrustin' Howler III Sings the Blooze

10/16/2016

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The Xanadu Forest is a very absurd place sometimes, and then there are those times when it's sort of a more absurd version of absurdity. The thought that a human (albeit a fully adopted Xanaduvian) could exchange possible romantic tension with an albino peacock who is also aforementioned human's boss, is strange--even by our own broad standards of strangeness. And certainly not a thing I would have considered  or planned for...until it actually happened. Awkward and unfamiliar as it was, I must admit it was also a beautiful feeling, rooted entirely in innocence. 

Those that have read the previous chapter may recall the beginning of this most unexpected romantic tension, inside the county clerk's office as Madeleine (the albino peacock) and I were finishing up our work for the day. After Cousin Eddie the Raven and Caesar Emeritus had left to complete their mission of refunding the pumpernickel property tax payments, Madeleine sat next to me while I finished hooking up the vintage audio gear in our office. I told her many stories of fun and absurd times had at the Sacred Pub, hoping to ease her anxiety toward going there with me later in the evening. I even reminded her how her uncle Eddie the Peacock (my former boss at the county clerk's office) honed his fabulous comedy skills on the stage there, much to many critters' pleasure. I ended many of the stories I told her with "But it's hard to explain; it will make more sense when we go there tonight." At some point, I had finished setting up our stereo system, and tested it out using a Van Halen record that Cousin Eddie had conveniently left on the file cabinet. 

Madeleine seemed more curious than confused as she fidgeted with the tips of her wings and eyed the costume closet. "You know I've never gone to a place like this. I don't even know how to pick out what I should wear, or how I should greet people there."

The stereo worked perfectly, and I continued playing the record album at a low volume as I grabbed a chair for myself and sat in front of Madeleine. "Surely you went to prom back in Atherton? In some ways it's not so different than that."

Madeleine laughed a hearty laugh, and seemed to relax a bit, saying, "No, of course I never went. Those things were silly and such a waste of time! When I was at Atherton I was focused on my studies, as a person of intelligence should be."

I got up and retrieved some make up and brushes out of one of the boxes Cousin Eddie and Caesar had brought in earlier, and asked her, "Would you have gone if someone had asked you to go with them?" Then I sat back down in front of her and edged a bit closer.

"Honestly, I've never thought about it. But you are correct, no one ever did actually ask me. I believe people that knew me well enough knew better than to ask me; they would have known well that I thought such things were silly and a waste of time," she replied, her wingtips fidgeting a bit again. "And just what are you doing with that makeup?" she asked.

I opened one of the foundation compacts and dabbed the brush a bit as I told her, "Well, sweet Madeleine, we're going to play with makeup. Your uncle Eddie and I used to do it all the time." Then I began applying some of the nearly white powder to Madeleine's cheeks and continued, "It's fun to be fabulous, you know. In fact, it was your uncle that taught me that." Madeleine seemed to be a bit hesitant, but she didn't stop me as I grabbed another compact that contained a pale yellow blush and another brush. Before I applied the blush, I added, "For what it's worth, Madeleine, throughout my life it's always been the strangers--the people that I didn't really know--that led me to bigger and better things. I've always been more stubborn with people that knew me we well for whatever reason. I can't help but wonder how you would've reacted if a stranger had asked you to the prom."

Madeleine seemed to relax as I spoke, and I put away the compacts and brushes. She sighed softly and said, "It's an interesting thought. I hope you don't think you're turning me into an imbecile like you and my uncle. I'm only letting you do this out of curiosity."

"Perfect," I said gently, as I unzipped a pouch and fumbled for glittery silver eyeliner and the softest of sea green eye shadows. "It always begins with curiosity," I added, and applied the eyeliner. And I continued, "No, sweet Madeleine, I would never think you could be an imbecile like your uncle and I...you are far too intelligent for that." I applied the last of the eye shadow and added just a dot of glittery white just to the outer side of each of her eyes, and brushed it upward a bit with my fingertip. Then I zipped the pouch shut and tossed it back into the box.

Madeleine stiffened a bit, and straightened her posture. "So are we finished now?" she asked. 

I stood up and dug a small velvet pouch out of the box. "Almost," I replied, and I loosened the strings of the pouch. "This is the last part. Close your eyes now." Madeleine squinted them shut tightly and I sprinkled her entire body with a handful of very fine rainbow glitter. "You can open your eyes now," I said, took a few steps back from her, and slid my chair out of the way. "Stunning, sweet Madeleine--you are simply stunning! So fabulous! So very, very fabulous. Your uncle, my fellow imbecile, would be so proud!" 

Madeleine seemed genuinely excited as she stood up to look at herself in the full length mirror. Once she saw her reflection in the mirror, she seemed to be contemplating something deeply, and looked deeply into her own eyes. She adjusted her pose a few times and shifted her wings in semi-formal ways. "I can't say I dislike it," she said, somewhat coldly. And she posed some more. I smiled peacefully as I watched her discover her own fabulousness. Just as Madeleine was about to remind me she still didn't know what to wear, Cousin Eddie and Caesar Emeritus entered the county clerk's office--catching us both off guard. She sprang sideways, and up and down, and as she spotted them--oh, how her feathers unfurled! Words cannot adequately describe the majesty that befell us. 

Caesar, Cousin Eddie, and I stood gazing in wonder upon Madeleine for what felt like several moments, though I imagine it was much less than that. Madeleine looked toward me beautifully, as though she had just emerged from Olympus, and I said, "See, sweet Madeleine, you are a beautiful albino peacock! Your wonderful feathers are your garments; you need nothing else to wear--you needed only to unfurl your feathers to blossom." I do believe Madeleine blushed a bit, and all of us were smiling for sure. 

Cousin Eddie told us that him and Caesar Emeritus had refunded all the pumpernickel property tax payments to the citizens and that they were heading to the Sacred Pub. I assured him that Madeleine and I wouldn't be far behind, and thanked him for their lovely efforts. Madeleine curtsied Cousin Eddie and Caesar Emeritus as they left the county clerk's office. 

Madeleine and I were in for quite a surprise as we approached the swinging doors of the Sacred Pub, for there was a large poster displayed that said "Prom Night at the Sacred Pub hosted by Thrustin' Howler III." She looked at me suspiciously, and I shrugged my shoulders, honestly not knowing anything about this. I reached out my arm toward sweet Madeleine, and she wrapped her fabulous wing around it as we entered. That was a proud moment for me. There were quite a few more critters inside than I had imagined would be! Of course my sacred garden family were all present--even Edwin the Bee, who rarely frequents the Sacred Pub. But there were many others present as well--some I had never seen before in the forest. What really caught my attention though is that there were fairies serving Tick Tock Doc's famous Minute Mead to many happy patrons. If you have read previous chapters, you know that the forest fairies had all fled the Xanadu Forest long ago in search of more happening places, and only Olga the bartender fairy still dwelt among us. But not tonight. I counted at least a dozen forest fairies present.

A particularly joyous Cousin Eddie greeted Madeleine and I before we reached the bar, and he laughed something about trying to teach Caesar Emeritus how to play darts, and he pointed his wing toward the right hand side. Madeleine and I looked over, and sure enough Caesar Emeritus was standing upon a table trying to pluck darts from a ceiling fan that was still in motion. No, dear reader, Caesar had not mistakenly thrown the darts into the ceiling fan--Cousin Eddie had thrown the darts into the fan quite intentionally, and had told poor dear Caesar Emeritus that retrieving the darts was part of his training. Cousin Eddie laughed a hearty laugh when I suggested it seemed more like an initiation than it did actual training. Then he raised his flagon high as his wing would allow, and downed his Minute Mead in a single gulp. 

I could feel that sweet Madeleine was feeling a bit overwhelmed at all the revelry, so I squeezed her glittery wing knowingly and guided her toward the far end of the bar as I saluted Cousin Eddie and bid him to carry on. Edwin the Bee and my lovely gatekeeper Raven were there at the end of the bar selecting songs on the jukebox. I tapped my lovely gatekeeper on the shoulder and she smiled and hugged sweet Madeleine. Madeleine and Raven engaged in seemingly pleasant small talk, while Edwin turned to face me and explained that yes--it could always be magic--as he tapped another button on the jukebox. Oy vey! Thankfully Olga the bartender fairy arrived just in time and supplied Madeleine and I with a flagon of Minute Mead each. I guided Madeleine's wing up a bit higher so that we could toast properly and tried to explain that clinking our flagons together was customary. 

Moments went by, and I could feel sweet Madeleine relaxing more and settling into the atmosphere. It was a pleasant and warm feeling. We smiled at each other knowingly without words several times while Raven and Edwin returned their attention to the jukebox. As Madeleine and I toasted and drank our second flagons that Olga had brought us, rainbow lights started flashing and we saw all the other patrons scurry toward the banquet hall, which is where the main stage is in the Sacred Pub. We finished our Minute Mead, threw our hands in the air, and decided to follow the others. 

Like the Sacred Pub stories I was telling Madeleine earlier while we were in the county clerk's office, this was another one--a new one--unfolding before us that would be hard to explain, but would make more sense if you were to be there. There was a person on stage, singing the blooze along with an invisible and possibly imaginary backup band. I suspected a hidden karaoke machine somewhere, but I had no way of being sure. And the blooze singer was dressed in possibly the worst fat squirrel from Walnut street costume I had ever seen (in all honesty, it's the only fat squirrel from Walnut Street costume I've ever seen, but still it was awful). I looked around the room and chuckled when I discovered the irony of there being some actual fat squirrels from Walnut Street watching the performance. Then it hit me! This must be the Thrustin' Howler III listed on the poster posted on the outside of the Sacred Pub! And then I recognized the voice! Of course! How could I have been so dense?! It was Andrew, in full on fat squirrel from Walnut Steet regalia! I began laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my Glampire face and causing my makeup to run. Madeleine started laughing along with me, her wing wrapped round me--though I'm certain she didn't understand why. Her makeup didn't run, by the way. 

Olga the bartender fairy brought us two more flagons of Minute Mead, and sweet Madeleine proudly led the toast this time. We had barely downed half of our flagons when Thrustin' Howler III finished a song, the room feel silent, the spotlight scanned the audience, and eventually stopped on sweet Madeleine. Thrustin' Howler III called her to the stage, and she looked at me wondering what to do. I let go of her fabulous, glittery wing and told her to get up there. She felt a bit hesitant, but I smiled bigger at her, and she went. It was just a moment later that Thrustin' Howler III proclaimed sweet Madeleine as the queen of the prom, and a forest fairy zipped in and dropped a lovely tiara upon Madeleine's smiling head. Everyone in the room applauded, and sweet Madeleine blushed.

Then Casey the Cardinal cruised into the banquet hall--unexpectedly--in his remote control patrol jeep, crashed into one of the table legs, and tumbled out, landing on his back. Then he stood up, as we all looked on in silence, and he hopped up onto the stage, firing his flare gun into the ceiling and shouting "Tora! Tora!" 

Oh, what a beautiful night. A night I won't soon forget. 
And yes, tonight was a beautiful super moon as well--my cousin's time to shine.
Lovely of lovelies, thank you for being there. 
​XX




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Chapter 14: Achilles' Last Stand/The Glampire Strikes Back

10/12/2016

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Cousin Eddie the Raven and I had made lots of progress toward restoring my sacred garden to its former majesty since my recent return, and it was certainly feeling like my home once again. There was still much de-disgustinating to be done throughout, but many wide paths had been cleared and Freddie's Pond of Fanciness sparkled once again. Enough filth had been removed, in fact, that I felt comfortable returning to my job at the county clerk's office, and even looked forward to it in many ways. Yes, it was time to get to work. For real, this time. 

Once I had made the decision to return to work, I tracked down Cousin Eddie and we confirmed the details of a top secret plan. Eddie zipped off in the remote control patrol jeep and I made my way toward the garden gate.

I stopped and visited with my lovely gatekeeper Raven for a few minutes before exiting my sacred garden. Raven, of course, was happy to hear I was returning to work. She seemed to think it would be good for me. And she is always right about such things. We also spent time discussing Raven's new "desk" which had been dubbed "Achilles' Last Stand," and which was imported from the far edges of Lemmington near the Passage of Time. Achilles' Last Stand was essentially a massive, two-tiered tree stump, so that she had ample space both for herself and her laptop and various & mysterious gadgetry. I was glad to see Raven enjoying it and making such good use of it. Our conversation concluded with Raven reminding me how nice it was to have me home again, and that I should not worry--that everything would surely turn out as was intended. I thanked her, of course, which I guess is technically how the conversation concluded.

More by whim than by pre-meditation, I decided to stop off at the old Record Emporium and rummage through the boxes of costumes and makeup Eddie the Peacock (my old boss at the county clerk's office) had stashed there before he left on an extended comedy tour in Morganshire. I found my preferred attire from days past: my Gliridescetan Prince ensemble that Princess Mydnite had brought special for me from her home planet of Gliridesceta. It really was stunning: lots of glitter and crystalline adornments, my calico wig, and even my custom made fangs. You see, KeV was once a vampire from outer space in another existence, and it was Princess Mydnite who had glitterized me as such. I decided to try the ensemble on, of course, and it felt nice. Felt quite natural. I settled on wearing it to work, anticipating the joy I'd find in annoying Madeleine the albino peacock. Also, of course, it would just be nice to feel fabulous once again. 

As I entered the county clerk's office in full Gliridescetan Prince regalia, Madeleine was working away at her desk, and her reaction was much more controlled than I thought it would be--though that shouldn't have surprised me. She  adjusted her glasses a bit and said--quite calmly--"Ah, I see you found your imbecile costume. Good job." Then she typed away a bit more on her computer and added, "Well, at least you've shown up. And none too soon. We've got lots to get done."

I started walking toward the closet and told her, "Yes indeed...lots and lots of stuff to do!" With that, I flung the closet doors open and began unplugging cords and cables.

Madeleine literally flew out of her seat--near the speed of light, I believe--and was next to me. "Just what do you think you're doing?!!" she asked at a much higher pitch and volume that she normally speaks with.

I patted Madeleine on the wing and tried to calm her. "It's okay, lovely Madeleine. It will be fine." I continued unplugging cables and removing servers from the closet. And I continued speaking, "We're going to need the closet for our costumes and makeup--and our full-length mirrors! And don't worry, you'll still have your computer...Cousin Eddie has already routed you through our sacred garden wi-fi--which is much more secure anyway."

I was completely shocked that I had succeeded in calming Madeleine a bit, and she seemed quite rational, though quite unhappy with me, of course, when she spoke, "Those servers connect with Mayor Reginald III, and it's how he monitors our transactions."

"Which is exactly why we need to get rid of them, dear Madeleine," and I gave her a peck  on the beak, while wrapping up some cables and stacking the servers up outside the closet. "I've kept lots of secrets from you, Madeleine, because I needed to know I could trust you. My lovely gatekeeper Raven has already hacked into Reginald III's computers, and she has installed a phantom network so it appears on his end that everything is fine. In fact, Reginald III has been monitoring the phantom network for several days already instead or our computers in the county clerk's office. He will have no clue that these servers have been disconnected."

Madeleine adjusted her glasses nervously, as if she appreciated the intelligence displayed in our act of subterfuge, but was not at ease with the fact that it was subterfuge. "This all sounds very clever, but I don't like it. Not one bit. Besides, Reginald III will be here in person any day now to collect all the property tax payments...most of which we haven't yet collected. I don't suppose you thought of that. I very much doubt you have a phantom Reginald III." In a very odd gesture for Madeleine, I caught her little wing stroking the fabric on my sleeve as she spoke. It actually felt like an expression of affection, which was strangely beautiful.

I stroked the feathers of Madeleine's wing in turn, and said, "Well, no we don't have a phantom Reginald III, you have me there. But we have something much better: an endless supply of pumpernickel. Reginald III will receive his property tax pumpernickel in full, and much more at that." I could tell Madeleine was genuinely impressed and curious now, so I added, "We garden dwellers are quite clever when properly motivated. I will need you to gather the property tax bills of all the residents of the Xanadu Forest, and to mark them all as paid in full. And for the residents that have already paid, I'll need their receipts so we can return their pumpernickel to them. In fact, if you could gather the paid receipts first, that would be great, because Cousin Eddie Raven and Caesar Emeritus will be by shortly, and we can have them deliver the refunds."

Madeleine smiled a sheepish smile--a lovely surrender of sorts--then placed her wing on my shoulder and said "This sounds doable! But hey now, lets not forget that I'M the boss...you are only my assistant. I must admit, though, that I enjoy your newfound sense of command. You have been working much more than I had realized. That's admirable." With that, lovely Madeleine started pulling documents from file cabinets and I started sorting them...with a little guidance from her, since I couldn't initially tell a receipt from a bill. 

At some point, Madeleine had returned to her desk, mostly stoic once again, and was tapping away rapidly on her keyboard. One by one, I was finding the property tax bills, and she was rapidly updating them as paid in the computer. She was working at such a furious pace that she had to keep re-adjusting her glasses every few seconds. She stopped for just a moment to ask, "So you are positive these are being updated in Reginald III's computer network?"

I too was working fairly efficiently, though not nearly keeping pace with her. Boy could she type! I paused to respond, "Not until we notify my lovely gatekeeper. Good thought, my lovely boss!--you should send her an AOL instant message to let her know we're updating the payments now--she is _lovely_gatekeeper_. Once she's aware we're updating the files, she'll direct them into the phantom network."

Madeleine adjusted her glasses again and typed quickly. "Done," she simply said. Just like that. And we sped along making lots of progress. It felt nice. Felt quite natural. 

It wasn't long after that Cousin Eddie and Caesar Emeritus arrived, pushing dollies containing vintage audio equipment and boxes of costumes and makeup. Madeleine eyed them for just a second, then went back to typing without saying a word. I smiled a bit, realizing that had Cousin Eddie and Caesar Emeritus arrived just a few hours before, Madeleine would have been very angry and probably said some subtly nasty and condescending things. But not now. I think I was finally winning her over. "Or was she winning ME over?" I briefly and silently wondered. 

Cousin Eddie instinctively started unpacking costumes and hanging them in what was the server closet just a little while ago, and he directed Caesar Emeritus to start stacking the vintage audio gear on top of the large file cabinet on the northern wall of the office. I did exchange a few pleasantries with Cousin Eddie and Caesar Emeritus, but only a very few, as I was quite focused on the task at hand. Once he had emptied the boxes into the closet, Cousin Eddie left for a moment, then returned with his drill, slugging a can of beer, and proceeded to install two full-length mirrors on the wall next to the closet. 

Madeleine had finished with the last of the property tax receipts and handed the stack to me, which I shuffled and arranged, and handed off to Cousin Eddie while I explained to him these were the residents that needed to be refunded their pumpernickel. Cousin Eddie tucked them inside his wing, saluted, and slugged another beer. He assured me he and Caesar Emeritus would have all the refunds delivered by sundown, and suggested we all meet up at the Sacred Pub tonight. I saluted him back, and agreed completely. 

After that, I gathered the old nasty computer servers and stacked them onto the dolly that Caesar Emeritus was leaning upon. Dear Caesar seemed to be intrigued by my attire, so I explained to him that it was my Gliridescetan Prince formals, and was about to tell him stories about Princess Mydnite and Gliridesceta..which he interrupted gently, of course, and suggested I tell him more later tonight at the Sacred Pub. So pleasantly wise, that baloo-eyed Akita is! 

Since Madeleine seemed to be warming up to me a bit, and the others would be gathering at the Sacred Pub, I decided to take a chance and put her on the spot: "What do you think, sweet Madeleine? Should we go to the Sacred Pub tonight? Our work will be long done by then."

Madeleine looked up from her computer screen and took off her glasses, doing her best to disguise a smile, and perhaps even blushing a bit. "Well, I'm not sure I'd be the best company. I've never really gone to places like that; I would feel like  a fifth wheel, I believe." 

Cousin Eddie rushed over to Madeleine's desk and raised his voice, "Oh, that's nonsense, doll! You're a forest dweller just like the rest of us. Besides, I think that brilliant brain of yours could use a little leisure." Then Cousin  Eddie raised his can of beer as if to toast her, and slugged it down. "I'll look forward to seeing you there tonight, doll!"

Madeleine looked at me as if to ask what she should say. I smiled and winked at her, then patted Cousin Eddie on the shoulder and said, "We'll happily see you there tonight, my dear friend...both of us!" With that, Cousin Eddie and Caesar Emeritus grabbed their dollies and vanished into the forest.

Madeleine finished up the last bit of her data entry, and placed her glasses in the desk drawer. I slid a chair just to the side of the large file cabinet, and patted it, gesturing for her to come sit down. "Come keep me company, sweet Madeleine, my lovely boss...I need to hook up this audio gear. And I'll tell you more about the Sacred Pub, and maybe even an imbecile story or two." Madeleine smiled and sat down attentively. It was a beautiful and peaceful moment. 

Thank you my recent soul mate, Cousin Eddie, and dear, wise, Caesar Emeritus, for all of your hard work and effort. I love you both.
And thank you, all lovely of lovelies, for being out there. I love you too.
​xx



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    KeV Atomic was Xanadu Dead and is now both of them. 

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