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Chapter 53c: Slacking Remotely, Distance Drinking, and a Very Sacred Pub Christmas Part III

1/25/2021

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After a very brief discussion on the existence of multiple KeV manifestations on Halfway Island, Baby Dragon Ninka encouraged all present to keep their questions to a minimum...so as not to spoil KeV's special Christmas video presentation he had made for them. All present agreed, though some were away relieving themselves or loading up on more Cowboy Beans and Corn Pudding. Olga the bartender fairy had by now filled some  bowls with a candy she called "Snowballs," and some present began loading up on those as well (they were basically kernels of popcorn dipped in white chocolate...and were super delicious!). Eventually, all present were settled back into their respective air mattresses (or papasan built for two, as the case may be), and cuddling with their plushies, it was finally time to resume KeV's holiday presentation on the big screen. Baby Dragon Ninka tapped the remote...

"Hey guys! This is KeV coming to you live from the magic castle on Halfway Island in the Vaun."

A few plushies were squeezed far too tightly, fer sure--and complaints were heard much too loudly from air mattresses and papasans built for two--once all present realized that Baby Dragon Ninka had started the video over from the beginning by mistake. "Geez, guys, relax! It's not like we're on a schedule!" Ninka halfway shouted, and added, "They didn't design this remote for mighty dragon talons, you know! I'll fix it!" And baby dragon did, and found the exact spot where they had left off the video presentation before all the distractions began. And so, finally, they resumed...

"...This is all very exciting, and I have so much to report from Halfway Island. I'll try not to bore you with too many details since it's Christmas and all, but let's just say my time in the Vaun has been more productive than I ever could have imagined. And if I'm being productive somehow, you know it's some kind of miracle, haha! Anyhoo, in a word, I've learned how to manifest myself. You heard right! Yes, I've learned how to manifest other KeVs. And one of the KeVs I manifested already learned how to do this too, and has manifested his own miniature KeV whom we all have named 'After.' We chose the name 'After' because he was manifested by V-4, which is the 4th KeV that I manifested myself, and it sounded funny to us to refer to them as V-4 and After since they are always together. All KeVs, you see, of course, share a genuine love for our clever wordplay, haha. I digress. So what I'm hoping to do in this presentation is to..." {Just then, a banging sound is heard in the video, and the picture turns to static for a second, and suddenly only the ceiling of the magic castle is in  view. KeV, not in picture, of course, can be heard shouting, "What is the duck doing in here?! I'm trying to make my video!" Indistinct murmurs are heard in the background, to which KeV replies, "Well, I don't know...it should be in the kitchen cabinet somewhere." More indistinct murmuring is heard, then KeV, again, "We live in a magic castle filled with treasures, for crying out loud! I'm pretty sure there's more than one bottle of tequila. Why do you keep giving the poor duck tequila anyway?!" By then, the camera had apparently been returned to its upright position on the tripod, and KeVaunVaun is seen in her dress, waving a broom, and chasing the duck across the jade fireplace. The camera follows their movements until V-4 and After come into view, busy working on some sort of anti-gravity experiment. KeV appears in the camera's view once again, as he's questioning whether the family room is the best place for V-4 and After to be working on an anti-gravity experiment. Especially when he's trying to make his special Christmas presentation video.}


Just then, Baby Dragon Ninka tapped the remote and paused the presentation again. All present groaned and complained, explaining emphatically (some more emphatically than others) that they were just finally starting to enjoy the presentation. Dear Caesar Emeritus, the Baloo-eyed Akita politely reminded Ninka that no one had asked her to pause it. To which Ninka replied to all present, "Umm...somebody in here has apparently had a little too many Cowboy Beans...so if you could knock it off, that'd be great, k? Thanks."

Cousin Eddie laughed and coughed the name "Calliope!" Princess Calliope then punched Cousin Eddie in the wing from the comfort of their air mattress, poured a flagon of Minute Mead over his raven head, then yanked his plushie worm from his wings and tossed it across the room. Cousin Eddie leapt up from the air mattress and shouted "Hey!" All present laughed heartily.

Princess Calliope re-fluffed and arranged her pillows once more, then rested her head gently upon them as she spoke softly, "Dearest Eddie...since you're up anyway, I could use another flagon of Minute Mead. Pretty please? And thank you." Then she blew the raven a kiss and smiled. Cousin Eddie, of course, got the Princess another flagon of Minute Mead...once he had located his plushie worm in the darkness on the other side of the room. The presentation finally resumed...

"Sorry for the interruptions, guys. As you can see, since you can see me again, KeVaun fixed the camera, but he's now outside chopping wood for the jade fireplace. He's sorta the father figure around here...he fixes stuff and keeps us in line for the most part. But in a gentle, fatherly way. He's the first KeV I manifested here on Halfway Island, and I had only intended to manifest the one...but KeVaun would get lonely and bored when I was off on my adventures in the Vaun, so I decided to manifest KeVaunVaun to keep him company. Then I had to manifest another KeV because KeVaun and KeVaunVaun hit it off so well that I became bored and lonely  when I would return home to the magic castle from my Vaun adventures. So that's how TiKeV got manifested...he's the 3rd KeV and the rock star of the KeVs. All was well with me and TiKeV until he wandered off to Hope and Sunrise (nearby towns across the inlet) and met an odd duck named Ben. Ben is the crazy, tequila-drinking duck that knocked over the camera while I was trying to make this presentation earlier. By the way, Ben only eats garlic fries, for whatever reason. Anyway, TiKeV and Ben became inseparable, so I decided to make one more KeV just for myself...that's V-4. V-4 is the super genius of the KeVs and is just as adept at discussing the mysteries of all existence as he is performing anti-gravity experiments in the family room. V-4 and I became very close and spent many hours discussing aforementioned mysteries of existence. He manifested too smart, however, and took it upon himself to make his very own KeV just for himself. That is the mini-KeV we call After, of course. After is approximately 3 inches tall, by the way. I had intended to have you guys meet all the KeVs one by one in the video presentation, but they're all off doing their things now. Which is good, I guess, so that I can finish this presentation with peace and quiet. TiKeV finally found another bottle of tequila, so Ben the duck calmed down. By now, I suspect he and Ben are floating in the pool, polishing off the tequila and listening to TiKeV's latest demo. KeVaun and KeVaunVaun are likely in bed by now, reading magazines and possibly watching TV. V-4 would be searching other dimensions by now, trying to figure out which one he accidentally sent After into during the anti-gravity experiment. Our only other Halfway Island resident, Baby Dragon Ninka, is there with you guys now delivering this Christmas presentation, I suppose. She is the one I would normally be hanging out with, if she were here. But I'm glad she got to meet you guys. She literally just fell down from the sky, and happened to land on Halfway Island. So I'm not manifesting any more KeVs...I don't think...and V-4 has promised to not manifest anymore KeVs either.

As to why you, Dear Caesar Emeritus, were asked to not select a present from the present bag: I have a very special gift for you--and for whomever you'd like to share it with. You know the shelf high up in the Library Tree? The one with the books that haven't yet been written? There is a new one there now. It is my record of my time in the Vaun, and you'll know it when you see it."

With that, dear Caesar Emeritus, the Baloo-eyed Akita, squeezed his plushie kitten from the comfort of his air mattress, and a beautiful tear formed in the corner of his eye.

Many soft snores could be heard from inside the Sacred Pub by now, as KeV's presentation finally concluded...

"So with that, my dear fabulousnesses, I wish you once more a very merry Christmas from the magic castle on Halfway Island. I believe I'll roast some chestnuts now, and reminisce for a bit. I love you. Goodnight."

Above all the air mattresses and papasans built for two, there was the most special of guests, resting unnoticed in the rafters. Edwin the Bee smiled upon His sleeping children that Christmas Night, both in the Vaun and the NeVaun, and He was very glad He made them all just exactly the way He did...perfectly imperfect. He did, however, before falling back into His meditation, consider briefly that Cowboy Beans were not the best of humankind's inventions.

Life is beautiful beautiful.
Thank you for joining me on this journey.
I love you.

KeV
XX



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Chapter 53b: Slacking Remotely, Distance Drinking, and a Very Sacred Pub Christmas Part II

1/9/2021

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"Hello, Mister," Cousin Eddie greeted Darbett Otterman, as the fine otter finally arrived, and placed his Cowboy Beans and Corn Pudding upon a table that had been set up next to the jukebox.

"Hey there, Eddie," the river otter politely replied, and he removed a most mesmerizing object from his satchel as he approached the bar proper. With all the innocent pride of a child who'd just been presented with any sort of award, Darbett Otterman placed the mesmerizing object upon the bar proper, and flipped on the switch so that it glowed. "Ladies and gents, I present to you the lava lamp of Christmas trees." This was no exaggeration, of course. The liquid inside it began to swirl, then silver glitter began to rise and swirl along with it. Lights of many hues reflected randomly upon the flecks of silver glitter, and all present in the Sacred Pub gathered round to savor its magic. Since we don't keep time in our beloved Xanadu Forest, it's difficult to say just how long they were all mesmerized by its light, but it was certainly long enough for poor Cousin Eddie to serve several more flagons of Minute Mead, and shots of Midnight Shimmer. Even a couple for himself, finally.

Now Ninka the baby dragon, of course, had no desire for adult beverages, and wondered whether they had something more suitable for her tastes. Cousin Eddie offered her a Second Soda, to which dear Ninka replied, "But I haven't even had my FIRST soda yet!" All present had a lovely chuckle at that fer sure, and the mesmerizing finally came to an end. The lava-lamp-of-Christmas-trees crew dispersed and began filling their plates with Cowboy Beans and Corn Pudding. Some more than others, of course. Olga the bartender fairy herded them all into an imperfect circle in front of the stage and led them in prayer before anyone took their first bite. Darbett Otterman's Cowboy Beans and Corn Pudding were joyously enjoyed by all, and many holiday pleasantries were exchanged between bites.

Once all their bellies were full, it was time for presents. Everyone gathered around baby dragon Dear Ninka, who had by now sat down at a tall round table, with a large velvet sack in each talon. "Now here's the rules:" baby dragon began, "Each person is to grab one item from each of the velvet sacks. No feeling around for a good one...you just reach in and grab one without looking. You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit! Got it?" All present acknowledged affirmatively, so baby dragon Ninka went on, "The sack in my left talon is presents from KeV, and the sack in my right talon are presents from me. Spoiler alert, all the presents from me are plushies. It's kinda my thing, you know. But you just get what you get and don't throw a fit, right? No feeling around for a good one." Everyone nodded sort of patronizingly, then began selecting their presents from the velvet sacks. When Dear Caesar Emeritus, the baloo-eyed Akita approached her, baby dragon Ninka stopped him. "No offense, dear Caesar, but KeV gave me very specific instructions that you were not to select a present from KeV's velvet sack. He has a very nice reason for it, trust me. But you can still pick out a plushie from MY velvet sack." Dear Caesar Emeritus, of course, was quite fine with this, and graciously retrieved a purple kitten plushie from Ninka's velvet sack. ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee888888888888b444444444444444444444r [My cat Kaylee added that nonsense part while I left my desk to go pee. I was going to delete it, but then decided maybe I should leave her contribution to the stories, since she doesn't get many chances to contribute]

Once everyone had received their presents from KeV and Ninka, Olga the bartender fairy, Eivanqua the lion cub, and Princess Calliope disappeared to a secret secret room to retrieve air mattresses that would soon be inflated and placed round the stage for the presentation. There were four of them. Davidicus Raz and Shelellabee had brought their own papasan chair built for two, since they were now happily and officially betrothed. Everyone was pleased with the presents they had received from the velvet sacks. Cousin Eddie the Raven began to complain a little bit about the plushie worm he got from Ninka's sack, but baby dragon Ninka gave a look, and he simply thanked her. And gave said plushie worm a sarcastic hug and kiss. And wandered off to pour himself another flagon of Minute Mead. And one for the Princess.

Olga the bartender fairy gathered everyone's attention once again, now that all the air mattresses were inflated, and spoke, "Everyone partner up and fluff up your blankets and pillows. And have Cousin Eddie get you any drinks you might need. It's time for tonight's feature presentation." Princess Calliope pulled down the projection screen so that it covered the stage. Everyone else did as Olga instructed: air mattresses were chosen, all soft things were fluffed, and the fog of peaceful enthusiasm filled the Sacred Pub air. Princess Calliope, of course, fell playfully onto the air mattress with Cousin Eddie the Raven. Like children, they were, fer sure, as they all got cozy and nestled with their respective plushies.

Baby dragon Ninka retrieved the remote, the projector's light projected upon the screen, and baby dragon sat down at her tall round table behind the imperfect semicircle of air mattresses and papasans built for two. "I know some of you were hoping for the new Disney movie, and I know some of you wanted the new Wonder Woman movie. We might get to them later, but right now we have a special Christmas presentation from KeV. Now, I haven't seen this presentation, I wasn't there when KeV made it. But I've gotten to know KeV pretty well, and I'm sure it's going to be a most absurd but entertaining disaster. But also very confusing to you guys. He's had a lot of adventures in the Vaun, especially on Halfway Island. So just let me know if you need me to pause or rewind or whatever, and I'll try to explain stuff the best I can since I'm the only one here that's spent time with KeV inside the magic castle of Halfway Island. And before you ask...yes, KeV specifically instructed me to give you this disclaimer before starting the presentation. You guys ready?" All present were much more than ready fer sure.

The presentation begins...

"Hey guys! This is KeV coming to you live from the magic castle on Halfway Island in the Vaun."

'"Pause!" Darbett Otterman shouted from his air mattress, and squeezed his rainbow trout plushie.

"Yes, Darbett?" Ninka acknowledged, and paused the presentation.

"It's not actually live. He recorded this earlier," the river otter politely replied.

"You don't keep time in the Xanadu Forest," Ninka semi-snipped back. "But your objection is noted. Can we please just try to enjoy?" A sheepish "Sorry," was heard from the air mattress on the far left, and the presentation resumed.

"...Since I'm going to be working remotely and--"

"Pardon me, my dear Ninka, but pause!" Dear Caesar Emeritus, the baloo-eyed Akita spoke from his air mattress next to Davidicus Raz and Shelellabee's papasan built for two.

"Yes, Dear Caesar?" baby dragon Ninka sighed. And she paused the presentation.

"Well," Dear Caesar explained, "I've gotten to know KeV very well, too, and I must say that it's quite impossible for him to be working remotely since he never actually works. I'm sorry to interrupt, but I felt it was important to--"

"Objection noted," dear Ninka replied, and continued, "That's actually a great point, dear Caesar. I'm going to suggest we just pretend that he says 'SLACKING remotely,' if that works for you guys? And if he happens to say something about 'distance learning,' we'll take it as 'distance DRINKING?'" All present agreed in their own ways from upon their soft places, and squeezed their plushies. "Also, if it's okay with you guys, let me just say: This is KeV...we all know him pretty well here. He's going to be saying things we could correct for the record in every sentence, knowing him. If we keep pausing the presentation to correct him, we're never going to get to the movies we actually want to see. Okay?" The agreement was unanimous. And so the presentation continued...

"...distance learning for both the foreseeable and UNforeseeable future, I thought it best to send you this special Christmas presentation via Dear Ninka, the baby dragon...whom I'm guessing you've met by now. Otherwise you won't be seeing this, haha! But I totally trust her to deliver you this special holiday message. [KeV steps out of the screen briefly, and the camera turns to focus on a wonderful fire burning inside a fireplace built of pure jade] KeV returns to the camera's view and continues, "So, Merry Christmas, fabulousnesses! I hope you all like your presents from the Vaun. Anyhoo, a lot has happened since I found myselves on Halfway Island--and I DO mean myselVES. This is all very exciting, and I have so much to--"

"Pause!" Cousin Eddie the Raven shouted from the comfort of the second air mattress from the right.

Baby dragon Ninka paused the presentation, of course. "Yes, Cousin Eddie?" She asked. "And, by the way, I'll take my second Second Soda now, if you don't mind?"

"Of course, Ninka!" the Raven sarcastically replied, tossed his blanket aside, jumped up--plushie worm in wing--saluted, and made his way behind the bar proper. As he poured dear Ninka her second flagon of Second Soda, he spoke, "Rewind a little bit, Ninka. I thought I saw a KeV in a dress and oven mitts carrying a casserole...walking behind KeV as he was speaking."

"Good eye, Cousin Eddie!" baby dragon replied to the Raven, and thanked him for the second Second Soda. She rewinded the presentation a couple more times and paused it again to make sure everyone spotted the mysterious KeV behind the presenting KeV. "That is KeVaunVaun," baby dragon explained. "It's the second KeV that KeV manifested of himself. She's actually become my favorite KeV."

"SHE?!!" the Sacred Pub Christmas patrons gasped in unison.

Ninka explained further, "Well, it's KeV you know, so of course he's a HE...but for whatever reason, KeVaunVaun likes to wear dresses and is quite the nurturer and homemaker. I just sorta think of KeVaunVaun as a HER. KeV, of course, could care less either way."

Chapter 53c, Part III coming soon. Thank you for joining me on this crazy journey.

I love you,
KeV
XX











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Chapter 53a: Slacking Remotely, Distance Drinking, and a Very Sacred Pub Christmas Part I

12/31/2020

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This particular Christmas Eve in the Sacred Garden started out particularly quiet. As we begin this chapter, we find Cousin Eddie the Raven and Princess Calliope nestled upon the futon inside the Treehouse of the Holy, draped in a sea of extra soft blankets and princess pillows. Playing on the television, of course, was the Magnum P.I. Christmas special...for the fourth time, consecutively. They wondered whether the ending of the episode could happen to change if only they played the DVD enough times.

Then, suddenly the silence of Christmas Eve became not so silent anymore. "Eddie!" Princess Calliope shouted, and punched the poor unsuspecting bird in the wing. "Mind your manners...you're in the presence of royalty, you know!"

Cousin Eddie replied, genuinely unsuspecting, "What?! Everyone knows ravens don't fart!"

"Well, everyone knows princesses don't fart," Calliope replied, "so it seems a mystery has fallen into our futon. Be a dear now and pass me another beer, would you?"

"indubitably," Cousin Eddie answered, and tossed her another can of beer. And he cracked one open for himself, of course. "What do you suppose Magnum would do?" he asked after some thought.

To which the Princess responded, "Well, I suppose he would begin by rifling through this pile of soft things upon the futon and find the source of the vibration."

"Yes! That's exactly what he'd do!" Eddie replied excitedly. And added, "And he'd surely find a rubber chicken in there somewhere...and possibly a golden football helmet." After much futon rifling, however, Raven and Princess found no such items. Instead, they found, tucked deeply into the corner of the left side of the futon--among the crumbs and beer and ice cream drippings--KeV's most precious Dragon's Eye...which Cousin Eddie had forgotten he had misplaced.

The purple metallic orb continued to pulse its purple light and vibrate until Eddie picked it up and held it up so that Calliope could see it too. Then the vibration stopped, and they could see the image of an agitated halfling inside it. "SOME keeper of powerful and rare antiquities you are, you silly bird!" the halfling spoke from within the Dragon's Eye. "Did you have this treasure carelessly tucked into a futon full of crumbs and beer and ice cream drippings?! Truly shameful!"

Cousin Eddie replied sheepishly to the orb, "Um, ohh...heyyy, good KIng Midas LeBottom of Flatlandia! Sorry about that. I meant no disrespect. I just thought it'd be safe in the Treehouse of the Holy, you know. And it IS safe, see?" Cousin Eddie then held the orb high in the air to show King Midas how safe it was, apparently forgetting that the good King was actually inside it, and not looking at the orb itself. Princess Calliope punched the Raven in the wing to emphasize his foolishness, but she said nothing.

King Midas LeBottom replied, "I'll bet a dozen flagons of the finest ale that you not only forgot where the Dragon's Eye was, but forgot even that you had misplaced it!"

To which Cousin Eddie replied, "Well, would you settle for canned beer from Mitzy the Arctic Fox? It's all I've got."

"It's a deal," good King Midas replied, and added, "As long as you throw in a good cleaning every now and again. It really IS shameful to have such a treasure covered in crumbs and beer and ice cream drippings." Cousin Eddie agreed, and Princess Calliope assured King Midas LeBottom that she'd hold the silly bird to it. The good King thanked Calliope for that, then continued, "Enough of this nonsense, anyway. I have a special mission for you two. A Christmas mission." King Midas had Eddie and Calliope's undivided attention, fer sure, at such a fantastic statement, and so he went on, "You must gather your pajamas, blankets, and pillows, and head straightway to the Library Tree. But--and this is a very important part of the mission--you are NOT to stay there and dawdle! You are simply there to retrieve dear Caesar Emeritus, the baloo-eyed Akita--and his pajamas and blankets and pillows, if he has any--and proceed directly to the secret secret entrance of the Sacred Pub. NOT the secret entrance, mind you--and this is important...the secret SECRET entrance!" Princess Calliope squared her shoulders and nodded most firm and knowingly into the Dragon's Eye. Cousin Eddie, by way of contrast, shrugged his shoulders and furrowed what would have been his brows, had birds been designed with such brows.

Then Cousin Eddie's brain finally processed the fact that Princess Calliope seemed to acknowledge the existence of said secret secret entrance: "Wait!," the Raven exclaimed, "I know about the secret entrance, but I've never heard of a secret SECRET entrance before." Turning toward Calliope, he asked, "How do you know about it, doll?"

Princess Calliope winked and nodded, then kissed the Raven upon the forehead as she answered, "My dear Eddie, we princesses learn from a very young age to NOT tell the boys EVERYthing." Cousin Eddie shrugged his shoulders again, handed the Dragon's Eye to Calliope for safekeeping, then grabbed his backpack. And off they were to the Library Tree, about a dozen flagon tosses' walk from the Sacred Garden's gate.

The retrieval of dear Ceasar Emeritus, the baloo-eyed Akita went off without a hitch, aside from the fact that he had no blankets, pillows, or pajamas. Princess Calliope suggested that if he were to wear his silver cape instead of his typical gold one, that it could count as pajamas. The trio unanimously agreed, and off they were to the secret secret entrance of the Sacred Pub. Princess Calliope led the way, of course, and she and good King Midas LeBottom continued pleasant conversation all along the way via the Dragon's Eye. Dear Caesar Emeritus politely declined a can of beer from Cousin Eddie's backpack, and spoke at length about his latest translations of the ancient Xanaduvian Dead Tree scrolls. Cousin Eddie, for his part, did a fantastic job of pretending he was interested in the translations while he chugged down a couple more cans of backpack beer.

Almost before they seemingly realized it, the trio had made their way through the final web of secret secret brush and, finally, to the secret secret door of the Sacred Pub. Princess Calliope ended her conversation with good King Midas LeBottom finally, and tucked the Dragon's Eye safely into her gown's secret secret pocket for safekeeping. The Princess knocked upon the door three times, then paused, knocked twice, then paused once more, and knocked only once. A small rectangular panel upon the secret secret door slid open. Nothing could be seen, but an unknown voice was heard. "Password?" it simply asked.

Princess Calliope whispered her reply, "Purple is the color of midnight."

After a brief pause, the sound of multiple locks were heard being undone, and the secret secret door of the Sacred Pub opened. Before the curious trio, now stood a dragon--a baby dragon. A dragon none of them had ever seen before. "Hi guys!" the baby dragon greeted them. "Follow me. Olga has been waiting on you guys." As the baby dragon led them through mysterious tunnels, hallways, and sets of stairs of varying width and height, she finally explained, "I'm Ninka, by the way. I'm from the magic castle of Halfway Island. KeV sent me here to make sure you guys have a Merry Christmas. You're not exactly the three wise men now, are you?" Ninka finally asked, then chuckled, and she finally led them into hallways that Cousin Eddie and dear Caesar were familiar with.

By the time they all had made their way to the bar proper, Princess Calliope was already chatting with Olga the bartender fairy, and cradling a precious lion's cub in her gentle princess arms. "Eivanqua, you say his name is?" the princess was heard asking Olga, and she kissed his paw and scratched his belly so tenderly. Eivanqua the lion cub purred and nuzzled his way into the ruffles of Calliope's princess pajama gown.

Olga smiled, and welcomed the others that had just arrived...AND the two stragglers from the trio that was NOT the three wise men. Now present in the bar proper, besides Olga, Eivanqua, Calliope, and Ninka were Cousin Eddie, dear Ceasear Emeritus, the baloo-eyed Akita, Ebahrhisabee, Graaseshabee, Kagraasabee, Shelellabee, Davidicus Raz, and Skolka. Darbett Otterman was running late, but would soon arrive with his Cowboy Beans and Corn Pudding. And the most mesmerizing lava lamp of Christmas trees. Lots of hugs and 'Merry Christmases' were given out, and much merriment ensued.

Shelellabee and Davidicus Raz, it turns out, were now officially engaged, and they were also now engaged in picking perfect Sacred Pub Christmas songs on the jukebox. Cousin Eddie pulled up a stool at the bar and mustered the courage to ask Olga if he was allowed to have a Minute Mead. To which Olga asked, "I don't know. Did you bring your remote control patrol jeep with you?"

"No, Olga, it is safely at home in my little beer can garage," Cousin Eddie answered proudly. "And by the way, Olga, have I ever told you how beautiful you are?"

"Only when you're drunk," Olga most succinctly replied.

"Well," the Raven continued, "have I ever told you how beautiful beautiful you are?"

To which Olga the bartender fairy replied, "Only when you're VERY drunk."

To which Cousin Eddie the Raven replied, "Well, this time I'm saying it before. Merry Christmas Olga."

"Merry Christmas, Eddie," the bartender fairy said. Then she flew across and over the bar, and landed on the stool next to him. "I'll tell you what, silly bird: you can have all the flagons of Minute Mead you want this holiday...and even shots of Midnight Shimmer if you'd like...as long as you get me MY flagons and shots for the holiday. And everyone else's. I'm taking the moon-greeting off."

Cousin Eddie was truly elated, but also hesitant, "So you're saying I can go behind the bar? This feels like a trap."

Olga smiled, and asked him, "Eddie, have I ever told you that you're smarter than you seem?"

"Only when I'm drunk," the Raven replied.

"Well, have I ever told you that you're a pussy?" Olga asked.

"Only when I'm VERY drunk," Cousin Eddie answered.

"Well, this time I'm saying it before! Merry Christmas, Eddie," Olga the bartender fairy toasted, and raised her flagon into the sky. The entire bar proper erupted into laughter, and Cousin Eddie found himself quite busy serving quite some number of drinks to all present. So busy, in fact, that the poor Raven hadn't even gotten around to pouring a flagon of Minute Mead for himself yet. Merry Christmas indeed!

XX
Love,
KeV



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Chapter 52: The Legend Of Davidicus Raz, The Kind And Silent Pirate

10/24/2019

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The Sacred Pub that readers of these stories know of wasn't originally based upon any particular Earthly venue, though it would become so eventually...once The Carousel Lounge re-opened last year in my hometown of Anchorage, Alaska. It originally opened in 1957 in downtown Anchorage, and relocated to Spenard sometime after the big earthquake of 1964. Spenard, by the way, is now a long, curvy road decorated with all sorts of unique architecture and personalities. "Spenardians," we locals refer to ourselves as, as a shout-out to the old days when it actually WAS its own separate town, Spenard, AK. [Some businesses still list their addresses as being in Spenard, AK] I am convinced there is truly no other place like it on Earth.

Now, inside The Carousel Lounge, there is a doorman named David whom we all adore. Actually, we adore all the doormen there, but this chapter is inspired by David...and, therefore, for him. [The other doorman, Adam, is celebrated in previous chapters I've written concerning the Comnandrai Council--his story name is Adamna Comnandra, the Dragon. Bartender fairy Rhianka is actually Adam's sister in law. If so inclined, you can type any of these phrases into the search bar on my website to find the chapters] David is a most excellent doorman, kind and gentle, and always on alert. Loving and compassionate always, but never a pushover. Something not many know about David, however, is that when he's not babysitting at The Carousel, he entertains our beloved city as a mime--full costume, makeup, and all. He takes it quite seriously. He even has a personal rule of not speaking to anyone at all while the makeup is on. He will only mime a response. If he really wants to speak with someone, he'll rush to the bathroom to wash off his makeup, then return to visit normally.

David's beloved dog, Corona, died earlier this year, as did the beloved dog of another dear friend from The Carousel Lounge...Nalo was the other dog's name. Both dogs shall be honored in this chapter in the form of the ghost dog, Coronalo, as you shall soon see, dear reader. And so let's begin the story:

It is a rare thing for Kev to be found waking upon his Persian rug before his cousin the Sun had completed half of its sun-greeting saunter, but it was very good indeed that this was just such an occasion. For, you see, Cousin Eddie and Calliope's guitar stack amplifiers had arrived, and they were anxious to set them up and begin jamming upon the Persian rug. In fact, they had already written a few songs they would soon begin rehearsing, as the newly-formed band, Proxy Morons. Kev was genuinely happy to see musical activity about to take place once again upon his Persian rug, since it had been so long since he and Andrew jammed there...and even longer since the little ones played Nintendo there. Indeed, it was not a sad remembrance at all for Kev. He smiled, and even enjoyed offering up unnecessary advice to Cousin Eddie and Calliope as they set up their new amplifiers. Eventually, Kev stopped advising and simply told them both that they had made excellent choices in their gear. Kev was unable to resist telling his Raven soulmate, Cousin Eddie, however, that he too used to use a Carvin X-100B...and finally added, "Best, most versatile amp they ever made, if you ask me. Which, of course, you didn't. But still..." Kev made no direct comment at all on Calliope's amplifier, which was a Mesa Boogie Dual Rectifier.

After Kev had left Cousin Eddie and Calliope to their jamming, he stopped by Achilles' Last Stand and greeted his loyal gatekeeping gatekeeper, Caw-Caw Carl, who, strangely, didn't initially reply. Upon closer inspection, Kev discovered that the Stellers Jay had his little earbuds in, and was apparently jamming in his own kind of way. "Caw caw caw caw, Caw caw caw caw, Ca--I wanna be created," the loyal gatekeeper sang, still unaware that Kev was behind him chuckling warm-heartedly. Kev finally spun round to the side of the Steller Jay's desk and fell into the bird's peripheral vision bubble. Caw-Caw Carl removed his little ear buds, not the least bit embarrassed by his secretly admired performance, and greeted Kev Kev warmly, "Oh hello, hi, Mr. Kev Kev! Pretty cleverly clever, no?"

"Indeed," Kev smiled, and stroked his loyal gatekeeper's little black crown. "Very cleverly clever, my dear Caw-Caw." Then Kev made his way to his Sacred Garden's gate.

"Off to the Sacred Pub," I presume, Edwin the Bee succinctly spoke from atop His little lotus flower.

"No, Father," Kev respectfully replied, "not this time. If You must know, I'm actually off to the Library Tree. Dear Caesar is doing a reading for the Young Lemmings of Lemmington Adventure Club, and I thought I might sit in. He's a great story teller, you know."

"That he is," Edwin nonchalantly replied, and finally, "Well, enjoy yourself, My son." Then Edwin pulled his little circular shower curtain shut and fell back into His meditation.

A few dozen flagon tosses later, and Kev was happy to be inside the Library Tree once again after so long. Dear Caesar Emeritus was seated proudly upon his heart-shaped Love Seat, and all the little lemmings were gathered round it. They were a bit fidgety and restless, but surprisingly well-behaved, given that they were lemmings. At least Kev thought so, anyway. "Well, it looks as if we have a special guest with us for this sun-greeting's reading," the Baloo-eyed Akita announced. "Come, Kev, DO join us," and dear Caesar patted the Love Seat and gestured for Kev to take a seat next to him. Kev did so most graciously, careful not to step on any of the Lemmington younglings as he made his way onto the Love Seat and gave dear Caesar a gentle scratch or three behind the ears. Finally, dear Caesar spoke again to Kev, "You have perfect lack of timing, Kev, for we were just about to begin the exciting adventure called, 'The Legend of Davidicus Raz, the Kind and Silent Pirate.' It is from one of the Dead Tree Scrolls I found in Flatlandia when we were off on our journey." Then he turned and asked the lemmings,"Everyone ready?" The Young Lemmings of Lemmington Adventure Club assured the Baloo-eyed Akita that they were, and so the story began:

"Long ago--long before the Dragon Wars--a pirate came to the northeastern shores of our lands, which were as yet unnamed, in a small boat that was only large enough for he and his companion, and the small amount of rations they sailed with. Now, the pirate's name was Davidicus Raz, and he was no ordinary pirate...for you see, he never did speak. He would only ever act out his words by way of mime. The pirate's companion was also no ordinary companion...for you see, his companion was a ghost dog named Coronalo...and Coronalo did speak.

When Davidicus Raz and Coronalo pulled their boat ashore and secured it, they began to wander into the wilderness. They wandered for many sun and moon-greetings, deeper and deeper into the wilderness until they finally found fields--and a great clearing. Coronalo hovered his luminescent green body higher into the sky and was able to spot a village upon a hill just beyond the clearing. Once Coronalo told his master about the village he had spotted, Davidicus Raz turned, and bowed to the ghost dog, and brought his hands together, and indicated that would be their destination.

The journey to the village was much shorter than it seemed it should have been, and many of the townspeople were there to greet them near the village's center. The people began to gather round the pirate and the ghost dog. They were not so much frightened as they were genuinely curious, for they had never before seen the likes of such beings. Davidicus Raz fell to one knee, very properly, and bowed his head. Then he placed his hand upon his heart and lifted it outward toward the people as he lifted his head. Then he stood--silently, of course--and extended both his arms outward in kindness. Coronalo hovered above his master and spoke, "Good people of this fine village, we mean you no harm. We are here to plunder your greatest treasure. If there is an elder of your village present, we must meet with them. This is my master, Davidicus Raz, the silent pirate." Davidicus Raz acted out Coronalo's words accordingly, and the townspeople looked on in wonder.

Finally, a man approached the ghost dog and pirate, and spoke, "Sadly, we have no treasure here to offer you. Our village has been cursed with drought for many seasons, and we have naught but stale bread and dried-up roots."

Davidicus Raz began acting out words for the village elder, and Coronalo translated, "Your greatest treasure is your hunger, and your thirst. Those shall we plunder from you. My master asks that you lead him to the fields of your dead crops." The village elder did so, and many townspeople did follow them, wondering and whispering to one another. When the crowds arrived at the fields, Davidicus Raz left them and walked alone toward the center of all the fields. Next, the silent pirate fell to his knees, closed his eyes, and reached both of his hands high up into the sky. There came a gentle breeze, and gentle clouds fell down into the sky, and a soft rain began to fall. The townspeople marveled, and began to laugh and cry, and they drank in the rain, each one of them. Davidicus Raz rejoined the crowds of townspeople, and they circled him and his ghost dog companion, and offered all manner of gratitude and joy. The silent pirate then acted out happy tears, and bowed. Coronalo finally spoke to the people, "Hear this, kind and gracious people: My master wishes to tell you that your village is no longer cursed, nor will it ever be again. We have happily plundered your greatest treasure, and now must we journey to the next village."

Many sun and moon-greetings later, Davidicus Raz and Coronalo arrived at another village, through another wilderness. Their introduction to the townspeople was very much the same as it was at the first village, except that the elder that approached them this time was a woman, and there were no children in the crowd. She spoke to them, "Sadly, we have no treasure for you to plunder, for our village has long been cursed with a plague of many seasons, and our children only die."

Davidicus Raz acted out his mime for the woman elder, and his ghost dog companion, Coronalo, spoke accordingly, "Your greatest treasure is your tears, and your graves...so shall we plunder them from you." As it was in the first village, the elder--and a large crowd of townspeople, wondering and whispering--led the silent pirate and his ghost dog to the fields which contained many thousands of graves...all of them containing children. One by one, Davidicus Raz knelt before and blessed each of the thousands of children's graves. This took many sun and moon-greetings, of course, but the wondering and whispering crowd followed along throughout it all, many of them deciding, themselves, to start blessing the graves as the silent pirate had done. Once Davidicus Raz was satisfied that every single grave had been properly blessed, he left the others and walked alone into the center of a great field, a good distance away from the graves. Coronalo stayed behind, and instructed the townspeople to wait there among their children. And the people did so. The silent pirate finally fell onto both knees, once aduquately into the midst of the great field, and raised his arms high up into the night sky. The moon, and myriad stars fell softly and gently into the village's night sky, and drew closer and closer. Much as it was with the rain, it began to sprinkle...but this time, instead of with drops of water, it was with little points of light, tiny fragments of the stars from above. Soon all the fields and all the graves were illuminated the stars' tiny points of light, and the children, one by one, began to rise up out of their thouands of graves. "These are not ghosts and spirits," Coronalo explained to the townspeople now lost in marvel, and the ghost dog continued, "These are your children, now resurrected." Davidicus Raz finally returned to what was now a sea of people that were laughing and crying with joy. And he did laugh and cry with them, by way of mime. Finally, as the silent pirate danced, Coronalo spoke again, "Hear this, kind and gracious people: My master wishes to tell you that your village is no longer cursed, nor will it ever be again. We have happily plundered your greatest treasure, and now must we journey to the next village."

As Davidicus Raz and his ghost dog companion, Coronalo, journeyed through the next wilderness for many sun and moon-greetings, they were eventually met by a single knight upon a great horse. The knight dismounted, and knelt most respectfully before the silent pirate and his ghost dog, and he spoke, "Good sirs, I was sent to inform you that word of your generous and marvellous deeds all across these lands has reached my good king, and he would ask that you would join him in his court. Our kingdom, too, has been cursed, and he would humbly ask that you would come with me to plunder our greatest treasures--of which we have many."

Davidicus Raz knelt respectfully in like manner for the knight, then he began acting out his mime. After the silent pirate had finished his performance, he walked alone into the wilderness in order to gather wood for a fire he wished to make, since the moon-greeting was fast approaching. Coronalo stayed behind and translated, "My master must meditate deeply upon this. He will build us a fire, and he would humbly ask that you would stay with us around the fire until the sun awakens once again. He will, by then, have a proper answer for you."

The knight agreed, and soon after that, Davidicus Raz had returned with the wood and ignited the fire. The three sat down around the fire, and remained peacefully silent as many moments passed by them. Finally, the silent pirate twirled his right hand around and held its palm up just above his shoulder, and a Dove did descend and rest upon it. The knight remained silent, and gazed upon in wonder. Ghost dog Coronalo, for his part, lie down next to his master, and rested, very much enjoying the fire's warmth.The silent pirate and the Dove spoke silently for many and many more moments, until, finally, the sun began to stretch its rays and the Dove fluttered away into the sky.

Davidicus Raz then, finally, began acting out his mime, and bowed, and Coronalo rose up from the ground to translate, "My good knight, my master promised you a proper answer upon sunrise...and now you shall have it: the Dove spoke many things into my master's heart...it shared secrets of your kingdom that even YOU, good knight, do not know--secrets your king would not tell you. As it turns out, YOU, good knight, are your kingdom's greatest treasure...and it is that very treasure we wish to plunder...but only should you do so willingly, of your own accord--and yours alone. Worry not for your king."

The good knight cried, and threw down his sword, and removed all his armor--never again to touch them. Davidicus Raz and Coronalo cried with him for many more moments. And that, my little ones, is how Davidicus Raz became known to history as the 'Kind and Silent Pirate,' and how his band of pirates became three."

As dear Caesar Emeritus, the Baloo-eyed Akita, rolled up his Dead Tree scroll, he looked around the Library Tree and saw that all but one of the Young Lemmings of Lemmington Adventure Club were sound asleep. He tossed the scroll onto Kev's back, who was now on his belly upon the Love Seat, snoring loudly. Dear Caesar smiled, and gently lifted up the young lemming with his massive paw, and stroked is little head most carefully. "Well, young one, what did you think?"

The little lemming replied, "I liked it. It was cool. But I don't understand why he didn't help the king?"

Dear Caesar smiled bigger--and with a hint of mentor's pride--and spoke softly, "Well, my little one...you have all of eternity to ponder that question. And I've no doubt you will find your answer sooner rather than later. You are a very clever little lemming, you know."

Life is beautiful beautiful.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

I love you.

Semba.

KeV
XX





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Chapter 51: The Presence Of Gifts And The Gift Of Presence

10/15/2019

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The other night, as I was working out some ways to make this chapter work properly, an episode of the old Andy Griffith Show came to mind for some odd reason. In the episode, Aunt Bea was leaving for a trip, and she was quite concerned about how Andy and his son Opie would manage the house while she was away. For you see, Aunt Bea did all the cleaning, cooking, etc, and fully managed the household while the father and son engaged in various hi-jinks in classic 60's sit-com fashion. Andy finally assured her that they would be just fine, and encouraged her just to go and enjoy her vacation. Predictably, her absence quickly became one household disaster after another for Andy and Opie--every part of the house was seemingly in disarray, and I seem to remember a stack of dirty dishes in the kitchen that nearly reached the ceiling. Finally, on the day Aunt Bea was to return, Andy and Opie got their butts into gear and decided to clean the entire house and make it look perfect for her return, so that she wouldn't be disappointed in them and feel bad for leaving. They worked very hard and quickly, and by the time the commercial break was over, the house was perfectly immaculate once again.

Just a moment after Andy and Opie had finished their charade, Aunt Bea came walking through the door, suitcase in hand. She scanned the living room area, and looked a bit bewildered. She checked the kitchen, and took on a look of actual sadness. I don't remember the actual dialogue, but it turned out she was saddened by the feeling that not only were Andy and Opie fine without her, but that they didn't NEED her anymore. For a brief moment, it seemed, she had lost her purpose in life. In his infinite wisdom, Andy picked up on this, and secretly instructed Opie to hurry upstairs and mess everything up once more. Opie was only happy to oblige, and soon the upstairs was magically a disaster once again. Oh, the joy Aunt Bea felt when she finally walked upstairs to mope! Her joy increased with each sentence she lectured and chastised the boys with, and the boys took their chastising well, of course, and all was well once again in the Andy Griffith household.

Turns out, dear reader, that this was the piece I needed to make all the other pieces work properly for this chapter. So let's get on with it!...

As we enter the story, Kev and dear Caesar Emeritus, the Baloo-eyed Akita, were approaching the Sacred Garden's gate. Kev had invited dear Caesar to join them in the Sacred Garden for what he was sure would be a great moon-greeting of festivities, since Kev was just returning from a very long journey away. Dear Caesar declined, since he was weary from the long journey, and had truly missed his Love seat inside the Library Tree, and his desk, and all the books...and his favorite squeak toy, of course! With that, the two embraced and went their separate ways.

As Kev entered the Sacred Garden gate, he turned to his right and sat down in front of Edwin the Bee's lotus flower. "Father." he began, and he bowed his head slightly.

"Son." Edwin replied, and He bowed his little bee head in like manner, from atop His lotus flower. Once Kev had removed a small gift from his satchel and placed it on the ground in front of the Bee, Edwin succinctly added, "Ah, so I'm the Shepherd once again? Thank you." The small gift, you see, was a tiny wind-up sheep that Kev had purchased in Lemmington Town Square--just the right size for a Bee to ride upon.

"Indeed, Father," Kev spoke softly. "Fool that I am, I am more aware than ever where I belong. And I am most grateful for that. This wind-up sheep is nearly as foolish as I am, for it does many tricks and never knows which way it's going." Kev wound up the tiny sheep, placed it on the ground, and continued, "You see, sometimes it goes forwards, sometimes backwards, sometimes it jumps for no apparent reason, and I've even seen it do flips a couple of times."

"A most fascinating novelty, indeed," Edwin the Bee stated. Then He added, "If this is intended as an apology, it's unnecessary. I fully expected and intended you to be a wayward fool when I created you. I happen to Love wayward fools, you know. But thank you."

"Thank you, Father," Kev replied, and he bowed his head slightly once again. After a moment of silence, he spoke again, "I discovered another sister of mine."

"Not another sister. The same sister, albeit a different  manifestation of her," Edwin corrected.

"She died very young," Kev explained. "She would have turned 40 this season."

"And was resurrected," Edwin clarified.

"Indeed," Kev smiled, and he stood up and slung his satchel of gifts over his shoulder.

Meanwhile, in the clearing just a flagon's toss or two in front of the Treehouse of the Holy, well inside the Sacred Garden, Cousin Eddie the Raven was also presenting a special gift. Two identical anvil guitar cases lie upon the ground next to one another as the Raven spoke to Calliope, "Well, our guitars arrived, Sweets. Mitzy said our amps will be on the next shipment. But for now, you need to pick your weapon."

Calliope was wringing her hands with a perfect blend of joy and anxiousness as she immediately exclaimed, "Oooh, I'll take the one on the right!"

Cousin Eddie rushed over to the guitar case on the right--with perhaps even more enthusiasm than Calliope had expressed in choosing--and he began opening the latches. With pride, he opened the lid slowly, so as to tease, and almost--but not quite--shouted, "You have chosen wisely, my dear Calliope, for you are  now the proud owner of an official Paul Stanley broken mirror Iceman guitar!" Raven was even more proud than before, as he held it high into the air, then handed it to Calliope and bowed. Indeed, the guitar gleamed and sparkled majestically, as one could see any number of world's upon its surface.

Calliope was moved nearly to tears--and she also felt proud--as she slung the guitar over her shoulders and held it for the first time. She also nearly forgot to curtsy, but remembered at just the last moment before it would've been considered rude to not do so. "Ohhh, it is amazing, my dear...and so very perfect for me fer sure!" Then she kissed Cousin Eddie upon the forehead, and the Raven blushed so much that it nearly shone through his dark feathers. "Now stop wasting time, Eddie, and show me your guitar!" Cousin Eddie had been enjoying Calliope's joy so much, he had forgotten about his own guitar.

He finally rushed over to the other anvil case, unlatched it, opened the lid slowly, as if to tease, and nearly--but not quite--shouted, "And I'm the proud owner of an official Ace Frehley Les Paul! How's that for dueling badassery, Sweets?!!" And he slung his weapon of choice over his shoulder ever more proudly.

"Fer sure!" Calliope exclaimed. "It's perfect for you!" Then the princess twisted her face into a lovely pensive pose, and spoke finally, "Proxy Morons."

"Uhh...I don't follow you, Toots?" Cousin Eddie wondered.

"Our band, silly bird," Calliope replied. "Proxy Morons. It's perfect fer sure, and you know better than to argue with me about it."

Cousin Eddie quickly replied, "No, no, Sweets, I love it...I really do! Like you said, it's perfect for us fer sure."

It was just that moment that Kev happened to walk up behind them with his satchel of gifts, and he spoke with enthusiasm, "I like it too! I really do! It's perfect fer sure! You're going to need a bassist and drummer too, you know. But it's a good start." The two turned to acknowledge his presence, but he spoke again before either of them could reply, "So good to see you again, finally, my dear soulmate Raven! Come give me some love!"

Cousin Eddie coolly replied, "Oh hey, Kev, what's up?" and went to put his official Ace Frehley guitar back into its anvil case.

Kev, feeling a bit stung, and more than moderately perplexed, decided to try his luck with Calliope, "You must be Calliope...it's so nice to finally meet you!" He approached the lovely princess, and continued talking awkwardly, "You are even more beautiful than I imagined you to be. It is truly a pleasure to have you here in our Sacred Garden."

Princess Calliope coolly turned and walked the other way as she spoke, "Yeah, yeah, fer sure. Nice to meet you too. You are almost as pretty as they said you were." Then Calliope knelt and placed her official Paul Stanley broken mirror Iceman guitar back in its anvil case, and latched it shut. Finally she spoke again, "C'mon, Eddie, lets take these babies up into the Treehouse of the Holy and tune them up and start breaking them in."

Cousin Eddie turned and winked at Kev, then he grabbed his guitar and turned again, and rushed after Calliope. In something very near desperation, Kev pleaded awkwardly, "But...but I have gifts for you guys! I thought maybe we..."

"That's very nice of you, Kev, thank you!" the Proxy Morons shouted in unison, as they scurried their way up the Stairway to Heaven en route to the Out Door. Cousin Eddie turned toward Kev one last time and shouted, "Later, Kev." as followed Calliope inside.

And that was that, it seemed. Kev's confusion turned to outright sadness the very instant the Out Door latched itself shut, and he slid the bottle of wine (a rare, vintage import from Droppingham) back into his satchel of gifts. "Well, at least my loyal gatekeeper, Caw-Caw Carl, will be happy to see me, and appreciate his gift to be sure," Kev softly mumbled to himself.

When Kev finally found himself at Achilles' Last Stand (Caw-Caw Carl's desk), he was grateful that the Stellers Jay did genuinely seem happy to see him. "It's so good to be home," Kev began.

"It's most goodly good to have you back again, Mr. Mr. Kev Kev," the Stellers Jay replied, and he went back to painting bottle caps upon his desk.

"What's this you've got going on here, my wonderful and loyal gatekeeper?" Kev asked.

"Oh, I'm making made by hand, homemade buttonly pins for my muy muy bonita Salsa Girl's most bandly band," Caw-Caw Carl replied, and continued, as he painted, "They need them to give out at the big show."

"The Poetic Waxwings?" Kev asked, as he looked on, impressed with the Stellers Jay's attention to detail.

"Yep, yep." Caw-Caw coolly replied.

"Oh, that reminds me," Kev said, "I have a very special gift for you, and lots of stories to tell you that you will surely enjoy."

"Thank you muchly much, Kev Kev, but I must hurriedly hurry and get these done, then take a bath and make myself muy muy guapo for my date with my muy muy bonita Salsa Girl this moon-greeting. I'll take a rainy rain check, maybe perhaps?" Caw-Caw insisted more than asked, and the Stellers Jay was suddenly off to the birdbath. And, once again, that was that, it seemed. Kev's sadness had now morphed into something very near despondency, as he slid the magic reading glasses back into his satchel of gifts, and headed toward his Sacred Garden gate.

As Kev was exiting the gate, Edwin asked him, "Off to the Sacred Pub, I presume?"

"Not this lack of time," Kev answered. I thought I'd head over to the Record Emporium and visit T-Yay and pick out a record. Seems like a good moon-greeting to play a new record upon my Persian rug...alone." Then Kev sighed.

"And how long are you planning to mope?" Edwin the Bee asked.

"I haven't decided yet," Kev Coolly replied, and he made his way to the Record Emporium, which was only a few dozen flagon tosses from his Sacred Garden.

T-Yay, the black Labrador Retriever, was genuinely glad to see Kev again after such a long journey, and he was even happy to  hear about some of the many adventures Kev and dear Caesar Emeritus had experienced together. He particularly enjoyed the stories of the Comnandrai Council. He and Kev shared some Skittles as they visited and flipped through record albums, peacefully and pleasantly.

Finally, Kev asked T-Yay, "Perhaps you could help me out with a record album? I need a new one to listen to this moon-greeting upon my Persian rug...alone."

"Of course," T-Yay happily replied, while crunching on another pawful of Skittles. "What sort of record do you have in mind?"

"Well," Kev explained, "A record that's perfect for a return home after a long journey...finding that everything is exactly as you remembered it, except it's all changed. Of knowing Love, but not feeling it...of being replaced, even though you know in your heart you aren't really replaced--but feeling it, you know? Of giving and receiving, but not having a chance to give...you know? If that makes sense?"

"I see," T-Yay munched pensively, then he finally asked, "And how long are you wanting to mope?"

"I haven't decided yet," Kev answered, ever so slightly terse.

T-Yay gestured for Kev to follow him, and led him to the bottom rack of a shelf against the back wall. "Methinks you could perhaps use two records tonight. This one first," and the black Labrador Retriever handed him the record.

"Chris Cornell. Euphoria Mourning?" Kev asked pensively, as he examined the album's art work. Inside and out.

"Yes," T-Yay proudly replied. This is a particularly rare gem...truly priceless in most existences. It's perfect for your moping." Then T-Yay retrieved another record from another shelf, this time higher up, and handed it to Kev. "And this record is perfect for whenever you've decided to stop moping."

Kev examined the art work once again, "K-Tel's Blast Off! I remember this record from when I was a kid. Awesome! Thank you, my dear T-Yay...you're the best!"

Just then, before Kev could leave, Ptolemy, the Gentle Boxer appeared from upstairs carrying a still frosted half-gallon of his now famous Ptolemy-ce Cream. "Sorry to interject," Ptolemy spoke, "but I couldn't help but overhearing. Moping just isn't the same without ice cream--this is my newest creation, Truckish Delight. You will be the first to try it." And he handed the half gallon of Ptolemy-ce Cream to Kev, who gratefully received it.

"Umm...thank you, dear Ptolemy," Kev said to the Gentle Boxer, then asked, "Don't you mean Turkish Delight?"

"No sir, Mr. Kev," Ptolemy immediately replied, "Truckish Delight indeed...chocolate ice cream with synthetic sweetened motor oil, caramelized brake fluid, and a few drops of antifreeze...oh, and piston ring shavings for texture." Kev scrunched up his face, but fell short of saying "Eewww."

"Just kidding, Mr. Kev," the Gentle Boxer chuckled. It IS actually a new flavor, though--one inspired by Princess Calliope. She told me there was a flavor of ice cream in her homelands called Malted Moo Shake that she very much enjoyed. She described it to me perfectly, and, well, this is my very best imitation of it...except with that magical Ptolemy-ce Cream flair--in this case, extra, extra, extra caramel. Happy moping, Mr. Kev."

"Thank you so very much, my dear Gentle Boxer," Kev finally spoke, and he and the canines shared a most lovely embrace before he left the Record Emporium, bound for his Persian rug deep inside his Sacred Garden.

As Kev reentered his gate, he stopped, turned, and bowed toward the lotus flower. "Thank you, Father. I'm going to mope with my Ptolemy-ce Cream and new records now."

"You're welcome, My son. Enjoy," Edwin replied simply, though with a slight smirk upon His little Bee face.

Kev never did get a chance to mope anymore that particular moon-greeting, however, for when he arrived at his Persian rug, he was to find it decorated with all sorts of streamers, balloons, confetti, and even a large, made by hand, homemade, most signly sign that read 'Welcome to your homely home, Kev Kev! We most lovingly Love you, you!' And beneath the sign stood his Sacred Garden family: Cousin Eddie, his soulmate Raven, and Calliope with an extra curtsy (owed to Kev from earlier, of course), and his wonderful, loyal gatekeeper, dear Caw-Caw Carl...and even his Father, Edwin the Bee, hovered above them, riding upon His wind-up wayward sheep.

The gifts were properly distributed, and most greatly and genuinely appreciated, as the K-Tel Blast Off record blared from upon the Persian rug. Calliope loved her bottle of rare vintage wine imported from Droppingham so much that she curtsied twice more, before uncorking it and sharing it with the whole family. Cousin Eddie was literally moved to tears when Kev told him that his gift was the Dragon's Eye that he had left in his Raven soulmate's care before he left on the long journey. Caw-Caw Carl was overjoyed with his gift of the magic reading glasses that would allow him to NOT write in double-speak...should he ever choose NOT to!

Many dances were danced, many stories shared, and the Ptolemy-ce Cream didn't last very long at all. Many cans of beer were chugged upon the Persian rug on that most lovely and memorable moon-greeting. Laughter and Love prevailed, lack of time and again, and the Chris Cornell Euphoria Mourning album would have to wait for another moon-greeting indeed.

Life is so beautiful beautiful.

Thank you for joining me on this journey, dear reader.

Semba.

I love you.

Kev
XX









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Chapter 50: "Origins", As Translated From the Dead Tree Scrolls by Dear Caesar Emeritus

9/19/2019

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We humans tend to take lots of our memories for granted. Oh sure, we'll admit how our memories can fade or even alter themselves with age and experience, but seldom do we consider the source of our memories...especially those memories from the youngest of our days. It's quite possible, even, to have memories of things that never actually occurred to us--not in this lifetime anyway. How many of our memories were spoken to us by others, and how many did we actually experience first hand? And which are more accurate?

This, being the 50th chapter of these stories, seemed like a good time to revisit the true origin of my Sacred Garden, and to see how that coincides with my own recollection of its origin.

We join Kev and our Dear Caesar Emeritus now, as they snuggle and settle in for the moon greeting, within the northeastern plains of Lemmington. It was their intention to spend the next sun greeting shopping in the Lemmington Town Square, then to return to their homes in the beloved Xanadu Forest straight after, having been away on quite an extended journey. Kev was about to extinguish the little fire they had built, but Dear Caesar, the Baloo-eyed Akita, had asked him to keep the fire burning a little longer, if he didn't mind. For Dear Caesar, you see, as they were journeying through Interterrestria, had stumbled onto a particularly interesting story he had just completed translating from the Dead Tree Scrolls.

"So, Mr. Kev," Dear Caesar began, "My most recent translation from the Dead Tree Scrolls was most fascinating. I wondered if I might ask you a few questions about your Sacred Garden?" Then the Baloo-eyed Akita rummaged through his satchel and shuffled and reshuffled a stack of Dead Tree Scrolls, and sat down in front of the light of their little fire.

"Well, of course," Kev replied, without hesitation, "You always know you can ask me anything. I'm an open book, you know." Kev chuckled, believing he was being quite clever.

The humor completely eluded Dear Caesar Emeritus, of course, and he simply continued, "Very well. So first off, didn't you say there was once a cottage in your Sacred Garden?"

"Yes," Kev answered, again without hesitation, "It was already there when we arrived. We did not build it. And we never slept in it. We had the Royal Bed under the large tree outside."

"I see," Dear Caesar said pensively, "Do go on. What happened to the cottage?"

"Well," Kev went on, "We only ever used the cottage for guests. A season came about when snakes began to sneak into the Sacred Garden, and a wicked spirit with eyes of coal would watch down at us from the upstairs window of the cottage. So we tore down the cottage and replaced it with the Persian rug that's still there. Rod Stewart was the last guest to stay there, while he was rehabbing from knee surgery."

"Interesting," Dear Caesar mumbled, then asked, "And the two trees behind your Sacred Garden...they are identical, no?"

"Indeed," Kev replied. "They are identical in every way--even in their fruit. They stand directly across from one another on each side of my sister the River. We didn't notice the twin trees until quite some time after we had lived there, though. Andrew actually pointed them out to me."

"On one of his visits?" Dear Caesar asked.

"No," Kev replied, "he actually used to live with us for quite a while--he AND Casey the Cardinal. They left when I did, the first time...when I ran away."

"This is truly fascinating," the Baloo-eyed Akita concluded. "Now the last question: would you like me to read you the story I just translated from the Dead Tree Scrolls?"

"Well of course I would!" Kev exclaimed. "I don't believe you've ever read me a story before. This will be a pleasant change." So Kev lie down gently by Dear Caesar Emeritus' side so that he could feel the Akita's warmth.

Dear Caesar, for his part, edged closer to the fire for better lighting, and he began reading from the Dead Tree Scrolls. "It is simply called 'Origins,' there is no other description. Anyhoo, here it goes:"...

"Long ago, in another age, a father lived in a cottage with his son, in the midst of a vast realm of wilderness. Now the father, feeling weak and tired in his bones, knew that he would soon have to leave this body for another age; but he did not wish to burden his son's heart with that sort of sadness. He decided, instead, to send the boy away, since the boy had become of age already. 'Son,' the father called softly, 'Come sit with me on the back steps of the cottage and meditate and watch the setting sun with me once more...for with the rising sun I must send you away.' The son was immediately troubled, but he didn't question his father or even speak at all when he sat down next to him on the steps, and stared into the falling sun. The two, father and son alike, sat in silence for quite some time and watched as the sun finally disappeared beneath the horizon. Constellations began to appear, one by one, and they pointed and traced them out with their fingers and smiled, but still they did not speak.

After many hours, the father put his arm around the boy's shoulder and finally spoke, 'My son, you have grown in wisdom and stature, and I am most proud of you. I have done my best to teach you everything that I can--and, indeed, you have perhaps learned even better than I have taught you--but there are mysteries in life that can only be learned by way of journey and experience. You have come of age, and there is no more I can teach you here. If I were to allow you to stay here with me any longer, I would be doing you a great disservice. I would be holding you back, as well as the rest of this world. For you see, my dear son, you have many brothers and sisters to meet--and cousins--lots and lots of cousins!' With that the father stood, and extended his hand toward his son, and lifted him to his feet, and pointed to the sun that was now beginning to rise from the front side of the cottage.

The son looked on at the rising of the sun, and a tear began to fall from the corner of his eye. The father wiped the boy's tear away, smiled softly, and kissed his son on the forehead. The boy finally spoke, 'I'm going to miss you, father. I love you. Always. Thank you.' And the boy's head fell gently into his father's warm embrace.

The father held back his own tears by squeezing his son tighter, and finally spoke, 'I love you always too, my son. Do not be afraid. Wherever your journey takes you, whomever you may meet, tell them you are on a journey for the secret to life. Your heart will know who to trust, for I have already shown you the way. And I will see you again someday, my dear son. Be assured of that always. The boy was about to burst into tears, but his father stopped him, 'This is no time for sadness, my son. It is a time of excitement!...for you are soon to discover the meaning of life. Now go, my lovely son. Do not dwell on these feelings. Find YOUR life's journey, and I'll meet you again once you've found it.' With that, the son wandered off into the wilderness, and did not look back. The father looked on smiling."


Dear Caesar stopped reading for a moment and noticed that the flames of their little fire were reflecting off a tear that now streamed down Kev's cheek. The Baloo-eyed Akita then gently wiped away the tear with his massive paw, and massaged Kev's shoulder ever so softly. Kev snuggled closer, then the reading of the story continued:

"As the boy wandered further into the wilderness, and the cottage had fallen quite far out of view, he spotted a Raven that seemed to be following him, but stayed mostly hidden within the trees. He tried his best not to think of anything at all, and focus only on the workings of his heart...for he instinctively knew that's what his father would have instructed him to do.

The first person the boy met on his journey was a great brown bear--a very kind and gentle one. The bear was resting on the ground next to a great oak tree, and the boy's presence did not startle the bear in the least. 'Well, hello there, young man,' the bear greeted him. 'I have not seen you in these parts of he woods before, but you are most welcome in my kingdom.' The bear gestured for the boy to sit down next to him beneath the great oak tree.

The boy did so graciously, and thanked the bear. 'My father has sent me out into the world on my journey to discover the secret of life. Do you have any advice for me?'

'Hmm,' the bear grumbled softly, 'Well, we bears are not so wise when it comes to such deep and meaningful things. We know the value of rest, though--we are very good at resting! Oh, and we know our bark, nuts, berries, and seeds as well as anyone--if not better! And we are great tree climbers. I could teach you these things, if you like.'

'That would be very kind of you, if you wouldn't mind,' the boy replied. Surely there is value in all these things. I can already feel the value of resting as I sit here next to you.' The boy and the great brown bear spent many seasons together, and the boy learned to climb trees like a bear, and he learned all varieties of bark, nuts, berries and seeds. He learned all forms of sweetness, tartness, and even how to tell whether the next new season would be coming earlier or later in a given planetary cycle. Most importantly, the boy learned to rest. He learned to sleep through the entire winters even, with the comfort of his friend, the great brown bear. When their final season together had finally drawn to a close, boy and bear embraced, and it was no sad parting. The boy assured the bear they would meet again, when the time was right. The great brown bear kissed the boy on the forehead, and deeper into the wilderness did the boy wander.

The boy ventured beyond the land of the Great Oaks, and Sycamores, and Maples, and eventually into the land of the Spruce, the Birch, and the Alders. There he met a wolf--again, a kind and gentle one. Rather, the wolf had met the boy, for the wolf had been tracking him for many days, and only revealed himself to the boy at the proper time. 'You come here with a purpose, young man, my heart can feel it,' the wolf finally spoke. 'I welcome you to our kingdom.'

'Yes, sir, and thank you,' the boy replied. 'My father sent me out into the wilderness on my journey to discover the secret of life. Have you any advice for me?' the boy asked, as he sat down before the kind and gentle wolf.

The wolf sat only upon its hind legs, directly in front of the boy's eyes, so that they could look deeply into one other's hearts. 'With we wolves, our wisdom and strength lies within the pack--in fact, our very survival depends upon it. That is your first lesson, my new friend.'

'But you came to me alone,' the boy replied.

'To your senses still sleeping, it seems that way, yes,' the wolf spoke. 'My pack has been tracking you for many days. They are surrounding us now, even as we speak, for many miles around us. Were you a danger to us, you would have been destroyed long ago. My pack has decided you were sent to us so that we could help you, and they chose me to teach you now. Are you ready to learn, young man?'

'I believe I am, yes,' the boy answered.

'Good,' the wolf spoke softly. 'Now close your eyes, and take my paw. I want you to listen for my heartbeat--not feel for it.' The boy did so, but could not hear it. 'No,' the wolf continued, 'You are trying to see. And think. You must listen. Shut off all your other senses, for the moment. That's it, you're almost there. I can feel your other senses shutting down. Good, good. Now listen.'

'I believe I can hear it!' the boy exclaimed. And he began to open his eyes and smile.

'Excellent,' said the wolf. 'Now I want you to feel my heart, and not listen,' the wolf added, and he withdrew his paw from the boy's hand. 'No thinking, no hearing, so seeing. Just feel.'The boy did so, and the boy did feel the wolf's heart. The wolf smiled. Then the wolf spoke again, 'Now stretch out your feelings, further, and much further still. No other senses right now. Find another heartbeat, off in the distance. One that feels very much like my own, but is different. Yes! You are doing great, my friend.'

'I really felt it,' the boy stated proudly. He kept his eyes closed. 'It was like yours, but it felt different. Only a little different.'

'You just met my wife, young man,' the wolf explained. 'Good, very very good. Now shut off your feeling, create a thread--just a singe thread--and attach your heart to your ears, and try and listen to my wife's heart. Shut off all other senses...only hear. No feeling, this moment.'

The boy succeeded in hearing the wolf wife's heart, and was very grateful to be learning such things. 'I heard another heart though, too. A much smaller one, much faster, and a much higher frequency.'

'You are an excellent learner, young man,' the wolf replied, 'for you have found the heart of the Raven that has been tracking you since you left on your journey. She watches over you, keeps you safe...though it is not time for you to know her yet. She has driven away many that would have misguided you, and caused you great harm. Thank her with all of your heart every day.' The wolf drew close to the boy, and sat down next to him, and placed his foreleg over the boy's shoulder. 'I have but one exercise left for you, then I must send you off on your journey. We will watch over you until you reach the land of the Cottonwoods and Willows, and the River Birch, though you will not see us. You will feel and hear us. You will be on your own after that.'

'But you can teach me so much more,' the boy almost cried. 'I'm not ready to leave you yet.'

'I have taught you just enough, young man, my new friend,' the wolf gently replied. 'We wolves are hunters. You are no hunter; you are a young man. To teach you more right now would only endanger you, and perhaps even us, one day. It would be a most terrible tragedy if either of us were ever put in a position in which we'd have to harm one another. Trust me, it's better this way. Now, please, close your eyes, and practice your last exercise.' The boy cleared his mind completely, and closed his eyes, and waited for further instruction from the wolf. 'Now,' the wolf continued, "I want you to shut off all your senses completely for just a moment. All of them.'

'Done,' the boy assured the wolf, who was still next to him with his foreleg around his shoulder.

'Good,' my lovely young man. 'Now, turn on your hearing. Do not listen for the frequency of a heart...listen for a whisper...far off in the distance. A higher frequency, not quite as soft as that of a heart. Keep your eyes closed--and do not speak--but point in the direction it comes from once you believe you have found it.'  The boy found it, and pointed accordingly. 'Good, very good, my young man,' the wolf finally spoke. 'Now open your eyes, and indeed, all of your senses. That was the River you were hearing, and that is the direction you must go. You must find her.'

And so the boy and the wolf parted ways, and the boy found his way to the River many days' journey later. Exhausted, and grateful for all he had learned, the boy fell asleep next to the River, and he slept for many seasons. As he slept, the River whispered many things into his heart: she spoke of the wisdom of Love and compassion, and all things gratitude. At one point, she even revealed to him that she was truly his sister--though he would soon forget this fact, only to remember it again many ages later.

When the boy finally awoke from his long slumber, he believed he was still dreaming. But he was not. A Raven lie upon his chest, then flew off into the trees. He sat up, and a Bee hovered in front of him. The Bee spoke, 'You have had a long journey, and now it is time for you to find your journey's secret of life. Are you ready?'

'Yes,' the boy replied, and he rubbed his eyes. 'I believe that I am.'

The Bee gestured for the boy to stand up, and He directed him to the two twin tries that stood directly across one another on either side of the River. 'You must eat of the fruit of one of these two trees. The fruit of one of them will provide you with the secret of life for eternity; the fruit of the other tree will surely kill you. I cannot help you decide. The choice must be yours, and yours alone.'

'But the trees are identical in every way, even down to the fruit,' the boy stalled. 'There is no possible way for me to know which is the right one.'

'Indeed,' the Bee simply said. And He added, 'Choose wisely. There is no hurry.' Then the Bee landed upon the boy's shoulder.

After much thought and feeling, and all manner of senses indeed, the boy finally decided to eat of the fruit from the tree across the River, because he felt it would be nice to pass through his sister, at least one time (the boy remembered still, that this River was his sister, though he would soon forget).

The boy ate of the fruit, and he fell, and his hand fell into his sister, the River. Before his eyes fell completely shut, he saw the Bee hovering in front of his face. 'Father?' was the boy's last word in that age. At some point, long, long, after the boy's fall, the Bee stung him. The Bee became the boy, and the boy became a man...no longer young."

Dear Caesar Emeritus smiled to himself as the story concluded, and Kev lie beside him snoring--not nearly as gently as the Baloo-eyed Akita would have liked. Dear Caesar put out the fire, snuggled with Kev, and they shared another moon greeting of sweet, sweet slumber.

Life is beautiful, beautiful indeed.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

I love you.

Semba.

Kev
XX









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Chapter 49: Cousin Eddie Meets The 84 Articles Of Social Decorum

8/15/2019

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Identity is a funny thing to me.

Is it all really just a product of where, when, and who we were born to (or maybe even HOW we were born, in some cases)? And is our identity more WHO we are or more WHAT we are? Perhaps both? Neither? For instance, perhaps long ago, there was a person who was a talented weaver who had no name...so the townspeople simply called him "Weaver," and that became his name. Then, later on, maybe, he fell in love with a lovely dame who also liked to weave, then they married and became Mr. and Mrs. Weaver--or simply The Weavers. They could have even had some sons that had no interest in weaving at all whatsoever, so that they would eventually become The Weaversons. And eventually one of the Weaversons would find a passion for making shoes, and voila! The Shoemakers were born. And so on and so forth.

Now, I'm not sure why the Jacks ended up with all the trades, or why the Murphys got the law and the cool retractable beds. And the Joneses: they either got everything or were really fast runners, apparently. Maybe they obtained all of everything by BEING the fastest runners. Anyway, I'm certainly not going to catch up with them anytime soon. And that's just fine with me.

I bring all of this up because there is something I DO know of a certainty as pertains to identity: namely that my soulmate, Cousin Eddie the Raven, is no princess. Or is he?

We now rejoin the stories to find Cousin Eddie the Raven and Calliope inside the Tree House of the Holy, finishing up a Magnum, P.I. marathon on DVD:

"So Eddie," Calliope began, as she removed the disc from the machine and replaced it neatly in its proper place upon the shelf, "I want to go to the Sacred Pub now. You've been promising to take me there for a long time, and I've run out of patience."

"Trust me, Sweets, I'd love nothing more," Cousin Eddie replied, "but I'm not allowed there until Kev gets back from his journey."

"Oh that's right...the fence thing. How the hell does one knock down a fence with a remote control jeep, anyway?" Calliope continued.

"It's a mighty jeep," Cousin Eddie proudly responded, and added, "I tricked that baby out quite a bit. The fence thing was more the straw that broke the bartender fairy's back. Olga's sent me home plenty of times for different reasons...but, yeah, I really did it this time fer sure.

"Fer sure, indeed," Calliope sighed, and her lovely face twisted itself into a most pensive princess pose. [Mind Yoga, we'll call it] She paced the Tree House floor several times over before she finally spoke again, "I have an idea, Rude Boy Black. Here." The princess tossed Cousin Eddie a book from the bottom drawer of her vanity, and chugged down another can of beer.

Cousin Eddie glanced over the book's front and back covers while finishing off his OWN another can of beer. Finally he tossed his empty can aside and replied, "The 84 Articles of Social Decorum...Umm...this is a princess book, Sweets."

"Wrong!" Calliope exclaimed, "It's a princess MANUAL. And here is the workbook that goes along with it." She had by then, of course, removed the workbook from the bottom drawer of her vanity and tossed it at Cousin Eddie, who deftly ducked and fell off of the futon.

By the time Rude Boy Black had returned to his feet and dusted off his wings, Calliope had already vanished into the other room in search of something he was sure he wasn't going to like. "I'm not a princess, you know!" he shouted.

Calliope shouted back from the other room, "Not with THAT attitude, you're not!" Then she lowered her princess voice just slightly, still from the other room, and asked, "Bunny or Fox?"

Cousin Eddie refused to lower his voice even a little, "Umm...that would be neither, Sweets!" And he cracked open another another can of beer.

"Fine. Fox it IS," Calliope decided, as she reentered the main room and tossed a bundle of clothing onto the futon. She then rummaged through the bundle and held up a glittery bronze gown that was, eerily, just about the size of a typical, mischievous Raven. Cousin Eddie felt it unwise to say a single word about it, and his instincts served him well. Calliope continued, "Now if you'll pick up your princess manual, please, and turn to Article 17, section 8, 3rd paragraph. Read the first two sentences only," the princess commanded.

Rude Boy Black most wisely did so. "Okay, got it," the Raven assured her.

"Aloud, please," Calliope insisted.

"Fine," Cousin Eddie submitted, slightly terse, and he read aloud, "A good princess always achieves her wishes and desires by any means necessary, though gentleness is always preferred. When necessity dictates, an exceptional princess may--without guilt, regret, or apology--resort to cruel and unusual tactics."

"Good job, Eddie," Calliope nodded. "Now turn the page."

"It's just a bunch of numbered illustratio--WHOA, wait!" Cousin Eddie exclaimed. "Holy crap, Sweets, I didn't know princesses could be so violent! That's rough. But also very cool."

"Fer sure," Calliope acknowledged, then she tossed the glittery bronze, raven-sized gown to Cousin Eddie, who put it on promptly without comment. Calliope smiled, and held up a hand-held mirror in front of Eddie's eyes, so that he could admire himself.

And indeed, he did admire himself--but only a little. "You know, I don't look half bad in a dress." He turned and posed, and turned the other way and posed, and he posed both with and without another another another can of beer. Though he didn't go quite as far to admit it to Calliope, he actually enjoyed it when she fitted him with matching heels and gave him a makeover. Calliope enjoyed it too, along with her OWN another another another can of beer.

"And now for the final touch," Calliope finally spoke, as she pulled down a fox mask that had been hanging on the wall above the futon, and she slid it over Princess Eddie's face, and tied it loosely. Princess Eddie flapped his wings several times inexplicably. Calliope instructed the Raven to bring his princess manual and accompanying workbook with him...as it was all part of her plan.


As the two princesses stepped out through the in door, climbed down the Stairway to Heaven (a series of gold-painted boards nailed to the trunk of the large tree), and made their way across the Sacred Garden, Calliope filled Princess Eddie in on some of the details of the plan. "Now, it's very important you don't speak once we're inside the Sacred Pub...at least not until I instruct you to. It's also important you walk in behind me, and do your best curtsy as soon as Olga the bartender fairy acknowledges your presence. We'll practice a few curtsies on our way there."

"Got it," Princess Eddie confirmed, and he added, "I just wanna say, Sweets, you're a genius...this is a brilliant plan."

"Why, thank you, Princess Eddie," Calliope uttered kindly, and curtsied. He returned the curtsy, though his own was still a bit awkward. "It's okay, Eddie. You'll get it with a little more practice. It's harder in heels. You're off to a great start."

"Good good luck, most princessy princesses, and have most joyful fun!" Caw-Caw Carl the Stellers Jay shouted from his desk, Achilles' Last Stand, as Cousin Eddie and Calliope exited the Sacred Garden's gate. Edwin the Bee, atop his lotus flower, simply sighed and exhaled deeply.

About 7 practice curtsies later, the two princesses were inside the Sacred Pub. Olga the bartender fairy greeted Calliope most warmly, "Welcome to my Sacred Pub, lassie. who might you be?"

Calliope curtsied and spoke most properly, "I am Princess Calliope of the Tree House of the Holy, and this is Edie, my princess in training." Calliope winked and nodded at Cousin Eddie, and he adjusted his mask, and gave his best curtsy...which really wasn't so bad.

Olga waved her hand toward a pair of stools near the Minute Mead taps, near the center of the bar, and invited the two princesses to enjoy a seat. Calliope thanked her in English, then began speaking in a language that was completely foreign to Princess Edie. Olga the bartender fairy replied in the same mysterious language, and the conversation went on for quite some lack of time. Cousin Eddie placed his princess manual and accompanying workbook carefully upon the bar, and adjusted his fox mask nervously as he tried to imagine what they were saying...to no avail, of course.

Calliope's voice returned to English when she winked at someday Princess Edie, then spoke to the bartender fairy, "An extra tall flagon of Minute Mead for me, lovely Olga, if you don't mind...and a Second Soda for beautiful Edie, my understudy...also if you don't mind. And will you kindly direct me to the jukebox?" Olga the bartender fairy most graciously served them their drinks and pointed to the jukebox that was over in the corner, to the right of the bar. Cousin Eddie grimaced a bit as he curtsied upon the bar stool, and pretended he was grateful for the Second Soda. [Second Soda, for those unaware, is the ONLY non-alcoholic beverage served inside the Sacred Pub, which, of course, is something Cousin Eddie could never genuinely be grateful for] Olga finally fluttered off to tend to other customers, and Calliope placed her index finger over the fox mouth on Cousin Eddie's mask to make certain he wouldn't speak. She then removed a pen from her princess gown, and quickly wrote upon a bar napkin, "Don't speak! Bartender fairies hear everything, even when they pretend they're not listening. Just play along."

Someday Princess Edie winked and nodded at Calliope after reading the note, then immediately crumpled up the napkin and tossed it into the garbage can next to him. Despite despising the Second Soda he had to pretend to enjoy, my soulmate Raven WAS tremendously enjoying this little game of deception most genuinely. Ravens, of course, love few things more than being sneaky...especially when they're getting away with it. He was thinking of the Magnum P.I. episodes they had been watching earlier in the Tree House of the Holy, and imagining he was T.C., on a secret mission with T.M. This made him smile big beneath his mask, and even made the Second Soda seem less lame.

Princess Calliope finally spoke, "Now, my dear Edie, I'm going to mingle with the locals and load up the jukebox with lots of good songs...and dance fer sure, and maybe play some games with the critters. You enjoy your Second Soda, and order another one on me if you'd like." With that, she spun her bar stool round and slid off of it into a perfect landing without splashing a single drop of her extra tall flagon of Minute Mead. She concluded, "Be a most excellent princess in training, my love, and please complete Article 34. All sections. And answer all the questions in your accompanying workbook. "I'll be back to check on you in a bit." Calliope then gave Cousin Eddie a kiss upon the forehead of his fox mask (the first kiss she had ever given him, for the record--a fact my soulmate Raven was sure to never forget), and off she went toward the jukebox...extra tall flagon most perfectly balanced upon the palm of her hand. The princess was stunning indeed, and all eyes of the Sacred Pub were upon her. She bowed gracefully several times while passing and smiling kindly at several onlooking critters. Her extra tall flagon felt nary a tremble as it continued to rest comfortably upon her palm.

Someday Princess Edie finally directed his attention toward the Princess Manual, sipping on his Second Soda, and reading Article 34. All sections. It began:

     "Aside from love, compassion, and grace, honesty and integrity are the most cherished  traits of an excellent princess. Lies and deceit are always forbidden for a princess, except in the most extreme of instances..."

Cousin Eddie smiled behind his mask as he read on and discovered a lengthy and thorough list of the very best ways to lie and deceive people on the very next pages...but only should it become very necessary. "This is freaking brilliant!" he nearly shouted through his beak, but thankfully shouted only inside of his skull, while his beak silently mouthed the words. Olga the bartender suddenly appeared and slid him his second Second Soda, and someday Princess Edie curtsied almost perfectly proper. A live version of The Cult's "Edie (Ciao Baby)" blasted from the jukebox, and Eddie toasted himself and pretended to enjoy his Second Soda. Indeed, it was becoming less lame.

By the time Someday Princess Edie had completed Article 34, and answered the questions in the accompanying workbook, Princess Calliope had already danced and beaten Darbett Otterman at Backgammon...twice! The jukebox continued blasting out songs by KISS, Van Halen, Y & T, Led Zeppelin, and Triumph. Cousin Eddie was very happy now, and proudly chugged down his third Second Soda. He thrust his wing high into the air when "On Fire" played, and he decided that moment that he wanted more...more Princess Manual, that is.
He burned his way through Articles 7 and 11. All of them. And answered the questions in the accompanying workbook. And chugged down his fourth Second Soda.

By this time, Princess Calliope had beaten the fat squirrels from Walnut St. at both darts AND their shady shell game many times over. And she chugged down her fourth extra tall flagon of Minute Mead after beating the Lemmings at billiards once again. All eyes inside the Sacred Pub looked upon her in wonder and awe when she shouted and twirled her empty flagon high into the air, and they cheered most loudly as it landed perfectly upright on top of her head. Then she held her arms out above her hips, and shimmied her way to the bar while a Night Ranger song, "Eddie's Comin' Out Tonight" blared in the background. The extra tall flagon upon her head, of course, felt nary a tremble.  Indeed, she brought the house down.

Olga the bartender fairy clapped and poured shots of Midnight Shimmer for she and the fabulous Princess Calliope, and they toasted and downed them. Then Olga gave Calliope a heartfelt finger hug, and they downed two more shots...Twilight Shimmer, this time. Finally, Olga landed on the princess's shoulder and whispered in her ear, "So should we tell the little troublemaker that he's been had?"

They both looked over at Someday Princess Edie and laughed, as he was still completely absorbed in his Princess Manual and the accompanying workbook. Princess Calliope finally replied to Olga, "Nah. I can't see any good reason we should. He's enjoying himself. Maybe just this once, though, I could buy him a shot of Midnight Shimmer?"

"Fer sure," Olga the bartender fairy smiled.

And so it was.

Life is beautiful beautiful fer sure. Semba.

Thank you for joining me on this crazy journey. I love you.

Kev
XX
















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Chapter 48: A Greater Remembrance Of Things Like Such

5/4/2019

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It is said among the Xanaduvians that storytelling is the act by which legend and history collide, and that the recording of history is three-fold...which is to say that all history is recorded in three different ways, and always emerges from the inside to the out.

The first way of history is the Sacred or Universal history, to which all beings (and, in fact, every single particle in all the existences) are mutually connected, and share in the process of creation by way of their perception and meditation of said Sacred or Universal things. Some may prefer to call these things "truths," but the Xanaduvians would not specify it that specifically. Since trees are the preferred method of the recording of history throughout Interterrestria, this means, of course, that the Sacred or Universal history is recorded on the inside of the bark of trees. Now some of you already familiar with my stories will suddenly realize exactly why I refer to my learning  of ancient Xanaduvian language and history as coming by way of The Dead Tree Scrolls. The scrolls are most sacred to us indeed, and never do we remove bark from any tree, standing or fallen. Trees will shed their own sections of bark in just their own individual time and way, and any fragments of bark that lie upon the ground are fair game for our examination and translation. One more thing regarding this Sacred or Universal history that must be explained before we continue further: this Sacred history was spoken into each of the trees by the Seeders in ancient times at the time of their planting.

Now the second way of history is the Worldly history. This second history is always recorded externally, and is always a product of the unique perspective of a unique creation in a unique time and place within a given dimension or universe. You should now see, dear reader, that there is much room for error within the second way of history, since it is absolutely impossible for two separate creations to share an identical perspective...let alone ALL of them!!! We Xanaduvians believe that this is where legends are born, and so now, dear reader, you will understand exactly what is meant, should you ever hear or see one of us use the proverb, "Legends are born in the second, but heroes always were." In the case of trees, of course, this Worldly history is recorded on the outside of the trees' bark...again, whether the tree be standing or fallen. It is also important to note that in the recording of Worldly history, the creation recording it is often quite detached from the very history it is recording...and, in many cases, we find that this is a very, very good thing indeed.

Finally, the third and final way of history is the Personal history. Personal history, as you might have surmised, is a given creation's unique perspective and reflection upon itself, based upon it's own experiences of existence. Consistent with ancient Xanaduvian belief, the way of Personal history emerges from the inside to the out, and, of course, it is quite impossible for the recorder of this history to be detached from it, since this history is an essential and most prominent part of its own unique existence. The way of Personal history, however, may be detached from Worldly history, should the creation itself choose it to be as such. In the case of trees, this way of history is recorded both within and upon the surface of the trees' leaves (or needles, as the case may be). Neither dear Caesar Emeritus, the Baloo-eyed Akita (my instructor, and the curator of our Library Tree near the midst of our beloved Xanadu Forest) nor myself have learned to translate any of the Personal recorded histories of any of the trees at the time of this writing. And now, since I mentioned dear Caesar, it seems a good time to return to the actual story:

The threat of war now long behind us, and the Comnandrai Council having long since been concluded, dear Caesar Emeritus and I both felt it not only desirable--but also spiritually necessary--to take our very long, sweet, non-existent time in returning to my Sacred garden at the heart of our beloved Xanadu Forest. Before we left good King Midas LeBottom's cottage atop Dew Mound, he loaned us his Dragon's Eye so that we were able to welcome Calliope to my Sacred garden, and to inform the fellow garden-dwellers that it would be quite some measure of non-existent time before we returned. They were all happy and at peace once again, and seemed to fully understand dear Caesar and I's need for a respite.

We thanked good King Midas LeBottom once again for all his kindness and wisdom shared, and the hugs that followed were most gentle and kind, and without a trace of sadness. With that, dear Caesar Emeritus and I were off, headed east through Flatlandia, to the peaceful shores of the Extraterrestrial Sea, within Nusquam Sound. I had planned on gathering a good amount of Dead Tree Scrolls along the way, before the ever wise dear Caesar managed to change my mind:

"It seems to me, Kev, that there are many seasons for all things," the Baloo-eyed Akita began, then continued, "This sun-greeting feels much more a season of remembering than it does a season of gathering...f you don't mind me saying so."

I stood and turned toward dear Caesar, latched the buckle on his empty satchel, and looked into his eyes, and smiled, "Right you are my dear and wise, Caesar. No gathering this sun or moon-greeting at all. This season shall be for remembering. Thank you, my friend."

"My pleasure, dear Kev," the Akita replied, and he put his massive foreleg across my shoulders, and we continued walking east at a gentle pace, "You know, I must say I'm very proud of you...you have grown so much. And you've managed to get away without RUNNING away...I believe that's a first for you!" We both laughed heartily, and he squeezed me a bit tighter.

"Well," I began my reply, "I guess I finally realized it really IS impossible to run away from one's self. Apparently there are some things even KeV can't do," I jested and smiled. Dear Caesar Emeritus didn't smile, chuckle, or even respond at all, so I continued, "When Twillerbee and the kids went away, I just...well, then Raven, then--"

"Shhh...say no more about it," dear Caesar said softly, as he patted my head gently with his massive paw. "I can feel your heart completely, Kev. You needn't speak your pain to me, for already it has softened immensely. Let's not harden it again. Perhaps when I told you this is a season of remembering, I should have added that we should only remember fondly--and sweetly. So long as we have our memories, there are no true goodbyes. But you know this well in your heart, I suspect, dear Kev."

I sighed, exhaling deeply and softly. "Yes, you are right my dear, wise friend. Thanks for the reminder." I sighed again deeply, but less deep that the first time, opened my eyes, and continued, "What about Karen? Do you ever miss her?"

This seemed to catch the Balloo-eyed Akita off-guard, but only ever so briefly. "No, dear Kev, I can honestly say I never miss her...but I do remember her fondly all the non-existent time--and the rest of the family, too." Then a most pensive expression fell upon dear Caesar's face as he continued, "This is interesting. You seem to have accidentally raised a most salient point: namely that you have entered this lovely dimension without dying...as it were. Unlike myself. I've never considered before the difference this might make while savoring one's memories. Fascinating."

It seemed improper to interrupt the apparent meditation dear Caesar had fallen into, so we walked a great distance before either of us spoke again. When I did finally speak again, we could hear the waves of the Extraterrestrial Sea splashing onto the shore off in the distance, and my cousin the Sun had put on its pajamas, and was turning down its bed. My other cousin, the Moon, was yawning, stretching, and pouring itself a cup of coffee.

Not knowing exactly how to reignite our conversation, I sort of sheepishly offered, finally, "You know my very first girlfriend was named Karen. Have I ever told you about her before?"

"No," dear Caesar replied softly, while smiling, "I don't believe you ever have. Do you miss her?"

"Not at all," I answered without hesitation. "I mean I remember her fondly, of course. Many good memories...some that would change my life forever, though I had no idea at the time. And not even a smidgen of ill will toward her. She was lovely, and very kind to me always."

Then dear Caesar Emeritus placed his massive paw over my mouth to silence me. "Look ahead, dear Kev, there are the shores we are looking for!" Then the Balloo-eyed Akita dropped down onto all fours, and we ran like children to the sparkling beach, and found a most lovely large rock to rest upon.

Dear Caesar lie across my lap, and I scratched behind his massive ears, and he tilted his head to and fro accordingly. We bid my cousin, the Sun, sweet dreams, and I blew it a kiss; and we greeted my other cousin, the Moon, and I blew it a kiss. As the dear Akita seemed most content and relaxed, it seemed a good moment to ask him something I had wanted to ask him since only a few moments after his first arrival at my Sacred Garden gate. "If you don't mind me asking, my dear friend--and not to get heavy--just always been curious...what was it like dying? I mean did you see a light or tunnel or something?"

Dear Caesar was not disturbed at all by the question, but he did hop down off my lap, and sat upright upon the rock next to me, as he answered the question of questions as only dear Caesar Emeritus could and would, "Well, there's not much to tell, to be honest, Kev. I was lying down most peacefully and comfortably, eyes closed, listening to Karen's heartbeat. It was so soothing. Next thing I know, I was standing upright in front of your Sacred Garden gate, adorned in that most fabulous, glittery-golden robe I'm sure you'll remember."

"Indeed," I smiled. "Thank you, my friend." I smiled even more as I looked into dear Caesar's eyes that were looking out most lovingly at the reflections of my other cousin, the Moon, dancing upon the waves of the Extraterrestrial Sea. Then I reached for my backpack and unzipped it, and finally spoke again, "My dear Caesar, I do believe it is high time for a toast!" And I removed two bottles of Minute Mead, and uncorked them. "To life, the universe, and everything!"

Our bottles clanked, and dear Caesar spoke more loudly than he usually does, "Indeed! to everything!" Then we drank, and smiled, and counted my other other cousins the stars. Then we laughed, and spoke of fond memories, and all things trivial, and such like that. This went on for quite some amount of non-existent time, of course, until my dear Caesar and I finally grew weary with peace, contentment, and joy. The Balloo-eyed Akita dropped back down onto his belly, and crawled onto my lap once again. "And now, my dear Kev, as I fall into sweet slumber, I should like very much to hear the stories of YOUR dear Karen...if you don't mind."

"Indeed," I spoke softly, and scratched behind his ears again. "It would be my honor and sincere pleasure, my dear friend."

Life is sooo beautiful beautiful, dear readers. Never forget that.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

I love you.

Semba.

XX,
Kev




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Chapter 47: Serpents & Scalawags And The New Guardian Of The Treasure Chest Of The Treehouse Of The Holy

4/1/2019

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Sometimes my imagination is powerful enough that it punches its way through the fabric of my sense of space and time, and it makes it difficult for me to always separate my earthly life from my story life. This is no bad thing, I've come to discover and accept. In fact, I've come to enjoy and even cherish this. More and more over time, it seems, the stories tend to bleed into my earthly life, and vice versa. Earthly events in my life find their way into my stories, and events from the chapters find their way into my earthly life--though often much later.

In all honesty, I've been making it a point recently to punch the time and space fabric even harder with my imagination, so that--one day--there need be no separation at all between my story life and my earthly life...that the two lives could happily and organically become ONE with one another. A blessed marriage between imagination and tangible worldly existence, if you will. This led me to wonder, of course, what the characters in these chapters would do were I not here to write and watch over them. In other words, have I pushed these characters deeply enough into the space/time continuum that they have become a tangible reality? Science cannot prove that I have not. Long after I have passed on and left the earthly realm, would the characters of these chapters continue to write the chapters without me? Science cannot prove that they wouldn't be able to.

I decided to come up with my own little experiment...far from scientific, I'm well aware, but could be interesting just the same. For the first time ever in these chapters, I'm going to write a chapter in which Kev doesn't appear at all, nor will he be mentioned (aside from this introduction): This chapter, Chapter 47. For purposes of continuity, we shall assume, dear reader, that Kev and dear Caesar Emeritus are happily taking their sweet time in returning to the Sacred Garden from far north in Flatlandia, and are collecting many more ancient Xanaduvian Dead Tree Scrolls along the way. Let us see where our lovely gardenistas will take us?


Reigna Rellena, the Salsa Chili dog, had by now grown so comfortable with the Sacred Garden that she would stroll in and out of its gate without any sort of announcement at all...when she wasn't busy with band rehearsal or playing shows at the Sacred Pub. This bothered the gatekeeper, dear Caw-Caw Carl, not at all, of course, since he was the Salsa Chili Dog's chisto-bird boyfriend, and she was his bonita salsa girl girlfriend. Many a fine sun-greeting would she appear upon Achilles' Last Stand (Caw-Caw Carl's desk) with a plate of freshly-made honey cakes, and a glitter lipstick peck on the beak for dear Caw-Caw. Truly they were a lovely couple, and very much in love with one another.

But see, for all of her sweet passion, Reigna Rellena is also a very feisty and possessive Salsa Chili Girl lover, and this was no good thing on this particular sun-greeting when she passed through the Sacred Garden gate with a plate of fresh honey cakes and found a beautiful lady sitting close--much too close!--to her chisto-bird boyfriend upon Achilles' Last Stand. Reigna Rellena said nothing as she tossed the plate of honey cakes onto the top of the desk and began to stomp back toward the garden gate.

"Hola, my bonita pretty salsa amor!" dear Caw-Caw exclaimed, ever genuinely innocent and naive.

"Don't you 'Hola' ME, my chisto-bird!" Reigna Rellena shouted. "Amor?! Hah! I see just any bonita girl can cuddle up with you now. Does she give you besos on the beak, or make muy sweet honey cakes like me?! If she does she will be muy sorry for sure."

"But, my bonita amor," poor frightened Caw-Caw Carl tried to respond, but he was now trembling, and his Stellers Jay beak refused to open.

The lovely lady upon Achilles' Last Stand instinctively hopped down and sat down cross-legged right in front of the angry Salsa Chili Dog. "Aww, muy bonita salsa girl fer sure, please don't be angry with Caw-Caw Carl. It is not his fault. I am not his lover, nor anyone else's. I am Calliope. I came here to live in the Treehouse of the Holy." Then Calliope turned and pointed at the poor Stellers Jay gatekeeper, "Now see what you have done to him? You have terrified him and he cannot speak or even move...and after he was just telling me how wonderful his girlfriend is! "

Reigna Rellena was still angry, of course--always so filled with passion--but Calliope's spirit had a calm and soothing effect upon the bonita salsa girl's heart, and the chili dog sat down, exhaled deeply, sighed, and finally spoke, "I did not mean to frighten him. Well, maybe un poco, but not really, no. It looked very muy bad from my angle when I came in, and my little salsa heart holds too much passion for my own good...sometimes. I am sorry, Calliope. You seem muy nice." Calliope and Reigna Rellena looked over at poor Caw-Caw, and he was still sitting motionless upon the desk (except for the trembling), staring blankly into the forest, and quite unable to speak.

Just then, with the most perfect of timing, Cousin Eddie the Raven rolled up in his remote control patrol jeep and retrieved cans of beer from the little trailer it was pulling. He tossed a can to Calliope, two cans to Reigna Rellena, and cracked one open for himself. Then, just before chugging down his beer, he winked and nodded at the bonita chili dog, who understood the gesture immediately.

By the time Cousin Eddie had chugged down his second can of beer, bonita salsa dog had taken her proper seat next to her chisto-bird boyfriend, and she was stroking his head so that his trembling finally ceased. She gave the handsome Stellers Jay gatekeeper a glitter lipstick peck on the beak, and opened their cans of beer. Chisto-bird boyfriend was grateful to be able to speak again, and even more grateful to have her by his side. They sipped their cans of beer slowly, and laughed, and spoke fondly of amor, musica, and indeed, all things lovely.

Calliope finally finished her can of beer, and she asked Cousin Eddie if he might join her in the Treehouse of the Holy and help her arrange her new home, now that her furnishings had arrived. Needless to say, she didn't have to ask the Raven twice! Cousin Eddie filled a backpack with many cans of beer, and parked his remote control patrol jeep inside his little garage, so that he and Calliope could walk together to the treehouse. A most pleasant saunter it was, and they each enjoyed another can of beer.

Once Cousin Eddie and Calliope had climbed the Stairway To Heaven and officially entered the Treehouse of the Holy through the Out Door, the Raven dropped his backpack full of beer onto Calliope's princess futon, and began setting up her entertainment system, complete with TV, Nintendo, DVD/VHS combo, and vintage audio equipment (including a turntable, of course!). He apologized that he hadn't had a chance to remove the older gardenista belongings before her arrival, and assured Calliope he'd gladly remove any of their belongings that might be in her way.

Calliope assured Cousin Eddie that nothing was in her way, and that, actually, she would enjoy having them there with her. Fer sure. While the Raven continued plugging in, unplugging, and re-plugging in various RCA cables from behind the entertainment center, Calliope began unpacking bags of makeup and brushes, and sorting and arranging them perfectly into the drawers of her vanity. Soon after, she found an electric drill lying on an old shelf on the other side of the room, and used it to install hooks for her hair dryer and curling iron. Cousin Eddie looked on in wonder, and smiled.

"Welp, time to test it out," Cousin Eddie finally spoke, and he pushed the entertainment center back up against the northern wall. Then he pulled out a Van Halen record and slipped it gently onto the turntable, and powered everything up. The record began to spin, and everything worked perfectly.

"Nice choice!" Calliope exclaimed, as she opened up a box of masks, and started sifting through them. "Their second album was always my favorite. Fer sure."

"Yeah, yeah, mine too!" Cousin Eddie replied, and he cracked open a can of beer and tossed one to Calliope. "You're gonna fit in perfectly here, Calliope. I'm so happy you found us."

"Fer sure. Me too." And Calliope cracked open her beer and chugged it down. "After our break, maybe you can help me hang these masks on the walls? Then maybe we can get my gowns hung up in the wardrobe and call it a day? Maybe play some games or something?"

"Fer sure, baby, that sounds like a great idea," Cousin Eddie replied, and he chugged down another can of beer. Then he gestured for Calliope to come join him in the southwest corner of the Treehouse of the Holy, and he opened the treasure chest that was nestled there. "There's some pretty cool stuff in here I bet you'd dig." He retrieved a saltshaker from the bottom of the treasure chest, and held it up proudly.

"A saltshaker?" Calliope asked, as she looked on and wrinkled her forehead.

"Not just any saltshaker, doll," the Raven spoke proudly, "This is Jimmy Buffett's saltshaker that he's still looking for...like, the actual one! Cool, huh?" Calliope was impressed fer sure."And that's not all..." Then Cousin Eddie rummaged through the treasure chest again, and removed a knee brace.

"Let me guess," Calliope chuckled, "Rod Stewart's brace from when he had knee surgery?"

"Wow, you're good at this, Calliope! Fer sure!" the Raven exclaimed. Then the two laughed and cracked open two more cans of beer. And chugged them down. Cousin Eddie showed her a few more items from the treasure chest, and Calliope was impressed a few more times, then back to work they went. By the time Calliope's last gown was neatly hung inside the wardrobe--which rest upon the eastern wall--Van Halen's Fair Warning was playing upon the turntable, and Cousin Eddie's backpack was getting much, much lighter.

Calliope glanced at the various board games that were stacked up on the dusty old bookshelf along the western wall, and nursed down her can of beer. She recognized most of them, of course, but there was one that stood out. "Hey Eddie, what's this 'Serpents & Scalawags' game here?" Calliope asked the Raven. "I've never ever heard of that one fer sure."

Cousin Eddie rushed over by her side, and slid it off the dusty bookshelf. "Oh! That's a Sacred Garden original...we made it ourselves. Wanna try it out?"

"Fer sure," Calliope simply said.

Lovely lady and Raven dropped down to the floor and sat cross-legged, and Cousin Eddie unfolded the game board, and spun it so it faced just right. Then he began removing various parts and pieces from the box and explained, "I'll explain as we go. Basically, I am the Serpents, so these green pegs are mine. You are the Scalawags, so these red pegs are yours." And he handed Calliope a handful of red pegs. Then Cousin Eddie pointed toward the center of the board, and continued, "See that? That is the island where the treasure is. Since you're the Scalawags, the treasure already belongs to you...so you're already lucky, see?"

"Fer sure," Calliope spoke. Then she asked, "But what if I want to be the Serpents?"

"No," Cousin Eddie immediately replied. "You can't be Serpents, because I'm Serpents. Now here's your ship." And he handed Calliope a small plastic pirate ship with 3 sails and a single cannon. "Now place this anywhere you want on the board on that side of the island."

Calliope wrinkled her forehead again and questioned, "But isn't yours an aircraft carrier with missiles and fighter jets?"

"Well, yeah, but don't worry you can upgrade your ship," Cousin Eddie somewhat sheepishly replied. "See, you have the treasure. That's your bonus...AND you get to go first, so that's your other bonus. Go ahead and take your turn." There was by now a large pile of random dice, cards, and action figures that Cousin Eddie had formed next to the board.

"But what do I DO?" Calliope asked, falling just short of wrinkling her forehead again. And she looked at the pile of random cards, dice, and action figures.

"Well," Cousin Eddie began, "you can do whatever you want. You can move your ship, attack me, upgrade your ship, or whatever else you might want to do."

"Um, okay," Calliope hesitated, "I think I'd better upgrade my ship. How do I do that?"

"Very easily," Cousin Eddie answered. "You just forfeit your turn and you can add another cannon to your pirate ship. But I should warn you, my aircraft carrier is already in range of attacking you...which I would surely do on my first turn."

"Would that destroy my ship?" Calliope asked.

"Only if I roll a 2 or higher," Cousin Eddie answered, and he pointed to a translucent purple, 20-sided die. "But," the Raven continued, "even if I DO manage to get a 2 or higher, you can still draw a Mercy Card."

"Would that save my pirate ship?" Lovely lady asked.

"Yes, fer sure," Cousin Eddie assured her, "but you would forfeit your next turn, and I would get all of your Scalawag treasure."

Calliope wrinkled her forehead once again and exclaimed, "This is no game, Eddie...this is extortion!" She looked once more into the pile of random dice, cards, and action figures, and suddenly she had an epiphany, and unwrinkled her forehead. Then she cracked open another can of beer and chugged it down. After that, she removed a Darth Vader action figure from the pile and spoke proudly, "I use the Force to crash your aircraft carrier into the rocks, and everyone and everything on it is destroyed." Then Calliope smiled, and grabbed Cousin Eddie's pile of little green pegs, and tossed them across the room.

Cousin Eddie sat stunned for a moment, then unleashed a belly full of laughter. After that, he chugged down another can of beer, grabbed Calliope's pile of little red pegs, and tossed them across the room. Calliope joined him in laughter, and they played Van Halen's 1984 record album very loudly, then danced to Drop Dead Legs. It was well into the moon-greeting when the music finally died down, and Cousin Eddie's backpack had been emptied of its entire contents. Calliope plopped down onto her princess futon, and the Raven retrieved a wooden sword from the treasure chest. "I have an idea, Calliope. Pick a mask from your walls--any mask."

Calliope smiled warmly, and retrieved a mask from the southern wall...directly above the right side of her princess futon. It was a fox mask. She chuckled, and put the mask over her face.

"Impressive. Most impressive," Cousin Eddie snickered. And they both laughed heartily! Then he took the wooden sword, and tapped Calliope's shoulders with it, and he spoke solemnly, "On behalf of the Sacred Garden, and our beloved Xanadu Forest, I hereby dub thee Calliope, the new guardian of the treasure chest of the Treehouse of the Holy."

Upon the princess futon they finally fell and nestled, and snored heartily...and shared the sweetest of synchronic dreams.

*Message from Kev:

You have done well, my fellow gardenistas--both the new and the old. I love you so much, and am so honored and grateful to dwell in such a magical and arbitrary place with you.

Thank you for joining me on this fantastic journey!

Once again, I love you.
Semba

XX






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Chapter 46: One Council Forward And Two Councils Back: Enter Calliope

3/16/2019

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There comes a point in each person's life when coming of age simply becomes aging--or at least a personal recognition of it--and perhaps even a tiny bit of acceptance of it. It starts out subtle and small, of course: a little ache here upon waking, or a little cramp there while lying down to sleep. Reading glasses--but only for books that have particularly small print. You don't run quite as fast as you used to (which is actually okay since you don't really need to run fast anymore), nor do you jump as high (which also is fine, since you seldom need to jump anymore, either). In fact, you can almost--on a good day--forget that you're aging at all, and manage to convince yourself that you're simply not going to age.

Then, before you realize it, you need actual prescription glasses now, not only because--even on a good day--you can't read the microwave instructions on your frozen burrito wrapper, but also because you have to renew your driver's license next month. You no longer hop capriciously down a flight of stairs, but concentrate and walk them methodically, more and more often using the handrail. Just in case, you know. Hair and gum lines recede beyond comfort (it turns out that phrase "long in the tooth" that always used to confuse me makes literal sense now), and skin begins to wither ever so slightly.

Now I know what you're thinking...and you're probably right: "Aging is nothing to be ashamed of," "You're only as old as you feel," "Father Time is the only undefeated champion," and such like that. Some of you even know that part of the reason I write these stories is so that at least PART of me remains unaffected by gravity. See, no one ages in Interterrestria unless they choose to...and, so far, no one has ever chosen to. Certainly not myself! Yes, I know in my heart that the best thing for me to do is to accept the unsavory effects of gravity with grace and gratitude. I tell myself I will try to do a better job of this in the future, but the truth is, the rebel inside me still carries a sword with a rainbow blade. I believe it always will. Even if I can't win this battle, I'm not going down without a fight. Gravity can kiss my still-best feature, for the moment. And many after. The war rages on!

And now, finally, back to the story...the conclusion to this hidden Comnandrai Trilogy:

We begin near the gate of my Sacred Garden, where my gatekeeper, Caw-Caw Carl, and my Raven soulmate, Cousin Eddie were still seated upon the desk, Achilles' Last Stand, staring miserably and most despondently into the Dragon's Eye. They had managed to convince themselves that war was indeed upon our beloved lands, and that Kev wasn't coming back this time from the Comnandrai Council upon Dew Mound, far north in Flatlandia.

Though the mysterious playing of Led Zeppelin's "Houses Of The Holy" album distracted them for a moment, it wasn't enough to overcome their pending grief, which surprised even Edwin the Bee, who, as it turns out, was the one who had mysteriously played the record. This surprised Edwin so much, even, that He felt the need to plop down onto the top of Achilles' Last Stand and block their view of the Dragon's Eye. "Well, aren't we a couple of sad sops!" the Bee quipped. Then He added, "You DO realize, of course, Kev's Sacred Garden is a place of joy and tranquility?"

"How can we be joyful and tranquil when it's all coming to an end?" asked Cousin Eddie.

"Yes, yes," added Caw-Caw Carl, "What he most saidly said."

Edwin the Bee hopped up onto the Dragon's Eye, balanced Himself upon the silvery sphere, and crossed his little Bee legs most formally. "Aww, come now, My silly corvids, you don't really buy into that end-of-times stuff do you? Listen to your hearts, not your foolish little minds. Kev HAS to come back, you know. He can't very well leave himSELF, now, can he?"

"Well if anyone could, it would be him," Cousin Eddie a little bit more than sighed. "And besides," Cousin Eddie continued, "Even if Kev does come back, that doesn't stop the war."

"Yes, yes, most exactly exact, Mr. Edwin," dear Caw-Caw added.

"Come now, you dear corvid fools!" Edwin chastised, "You've actually fallen for his dramatic flair, haven't you?! I don't blame you so much, Caw-Caw, for you are still learning about Kev and his imaginary lands...but, Cousin Eddie, I'm  quite surprised at you! You should know better. You've known Kev since the beginning. You are his soulmate even!"

"Well, yes, of course, Edwin. I get all that," Cousin Eddie spoke. "But the war. I'm not ready for war...even if it IS only in Kev's imagination. Like you just said, the Sacred Garden is a place of joy and tranquility. The thought of combat is unthinkable to me."

"Combat???!!!" Edwin shouted. "What in Eternity's name made you think of combat???" Then Cousin Eddie shrugged his wings a bit shamefully, and looked aside. Edwin the Bee exhaled deeply, calmed Himself, and explained, "Look, you two. There has always been war, and there always will be. Especially inside Kev's imagination...and even in your imaginations too. Is Kev the one that taught you war is combat?"

"Well, he sorta implied it," Cousin Eddie spoke, "and so did Adamna Comnandra. At least that's how I took it."

Poor confused Caw-Caw the Stellers Jay added, "Well I wasn't there when Kev Kev left on the great dragon Dragon's back, but from Cousin Eddie Eddie's description, that's how I also took it too."

Then Edwin the Bee hopped off of the Dragon's Eye sphere, and buzzed His way up into the air above the two corvids, "Well, just you two remember how much Kev enjoys his dramatic and foolish flair, and know of a certainty that there will never be any actual combat inside his Sacred Garden. But now, it seems, you two have a guest to tend to." The two corvids looked toward the garden gate and saw nothing except Edwin the Bee, who had by now settled back into His lotus flower.

And now, dear reader, we return to the scene of the aforementioned Comnandrai Council, upon Dew Mound, far north in Flatlandia:

There, upon Dew Mound, in front of good King Midas LeBottom's cottage, The Comnandrai Council continued, great Dragons' breath flames still leaping from inside the massive pit the council's members had arranged themselves around. Were it not for the gentleness and compassion of the 3 great Dragon brothers, the flames might well have engulfed the entire moon-greeting itself--moon and all! Kev and dear Caesar Emeritus, the Baloo-eyed Akita, sat next to each other, one hand in paw, one paw in hand, and two arms around one another's shoulders. Good King Midas LeBottom, himself, sat not more than a flagon's toss away from the two, to their right, and the Comnandrai (the 3 Dragon brothers) sat evenly spaced, around the other arc of the fire pit almost directly across from the other 3 council members. All council members present looked solemnly into the tremendous flames, and saw segments of past, present, future, and other possible pasts, presents, and futures--and even more beyond that. Some of the visions were painful, some were comforting, and still more were well beyond Kev's understanding. Dear Caesar patted Kev's thigh tenderly with his massive paw at just the right times, each and every time, as an added and much-needed comfort.

It had, by now, officially been decided unanimously by the Comnandrai Council that Kev had nothing at all to do with the unauthorized activation and use of the portal which had caused the fear and threat of war upon Interterrestria to begin with. That was good news for Kev, indeed. The question as to  WHO activated and used the portal remained, however. As well as the even more important question, "WHY?"

Having run out of any reasonable answers to those questions, the council's conversation eventually wandered into much ado about percentages, and percentages of percentages. Without going into the boring explanation behind their calculations, the council ultimately agreed to settle on a figure for the probability of war that was now much smaller than it had begun with--37.3%, to be specific (It had begun with 97.3%). After that, the council agreed unanimously that this was very good news indeed. Good King Midas LeBottom decided this was enough good news, even, that it was worthy of at least a small celebration. The council agreed unanimously once again, and the good King proceeded to pass out flagons of Minute Mead to those who accepted them. Those who accepted the flagons also enjoyed the flagons of Minute Mead that other council members had declined.

And now, dear, reader, we return to Achilles' Last Stand, from inside Kev's Sacred Garden, where Caw-Caw Carl the Stellers Jay gatekeeper, and Kev's Raven soulmate, Cousin Eddie, are still seated...and looking for a supposed guest Edwin the Bee had told them they must tend to:

"Knock, knock?" the two corvids heard in the form of a lovely, invisible would-be guest.

"Who's there?" asked Cousin Eddie.

"Calliope," the would-be guest spoke, most sweetly.

Still, the two corvids saw nothing, but remained seated upon Achilles' Last Stand. Caw-Caw Carl finally spoke, "Calliope Calliope who who?"

"No, just Calliope," the invisible would-be guest replied, and "And I'm not an owl, silly! I'm here to see Kev. I'm supposed to live here now--in the Treehouse of the Holy. Can I come in?"

It was that instant that Cousin Eddie finally noticed the garden gate was closed, and he hopped down from the desk very quickly to go open it. [You see, dear reader, the garden gate is always left open...it had only been closed due to the threat of war. So Cousin Eddie, of course, had never seen it this way!]

Caw-Caw Carl, ever the responsible and loyal gatekeeper, stopped Cousin Eddie mid-stride and shouted, "Wait, wait! We are not to let anyone inside the garden garden gate, with the muy threat of war and all. No exceptional exceptions, even. Kev Kev most saidly said!"

"Well, I'm not letting her in, Caw-Caw," Cousin Eddie retorted, "I'm just opening the gate to see who it is we're dealing with." And Kev's soulmate proceeded to open the gate. Then he gasped, and said "Wow. Umm, I mean, uhh... hi, Calliope. Cousin Eddie the Raven at your service. I would, uhh..let you in...but like Caw-Caw said, I mean. I would..."

[One can hardly blame Kev's Raven soulmate for being so bumblingly flabbergasted at the sight of Calliope, for she was most glowing and gorgeous to behold--and human! Those unfamiliar with these stories should know that Kev is--err, WAS--the only other human being in all of his imaginary lands].

"Say no more, dear Cousin Eddie, and it's very nice to meet you fer sure!" Calliope spoke sweetly. It was almost as if she were singing the words, "War is a very serious matter. I wouldn't want to break the rules and cause trouble. I can come back later." The fabulous Calliope began to turn and walk away, but then she spotted the Dragon's Eye upon Achilles' Last Stand. "Hey! Is that a Dragon's Eye?! Wow! This IS an amazing place, fer sure!"

Suspicions began to arise within dear Caw-Caw's responsible and loyal mind, and he fired off a look into Cousin Eddie's eyes that indicated the utmost caution must be used. "I muy respectfully respect you muchly, of course, Cousin Eddie Eddie, but we have to must remember Kev Kev's instructions. No exceptional exceptions, even." Then the Stellers Jay spoke to Calliope (from the the comfort of Achilles' Last Stand), "Yes, that is a Dragon's Eye. But I'm sorry, but we can't let you entrada. No, no way. I'm sorrilly sorry."

"I understand, handsome Caw-Caw," Calliope sang. Like I said before, I don't want to cause you any trouble. I can come back when Kev returns. I only mentioned the Dragon's Eye because I haven't seen one in so long. They are very rare throughout the universes, you know."

Then some words just slipped and fell out of Cousin Eddie's Raven mouth: "If only we knew how to use it. Kev left it with me when he left for the Comnandrai Council in Flatlandia. The war, you know. We've been waiting to hear back from him. King Midas LeBottom has the other Dragon's Eye." Cousin Eddie shrugged his wings and turned toward Caw-Caw Carl. "Sorry, I think I've already said too much." Then Kev's soulmate Raven sighed, and looked down at Edwin the Bee (who was meditating upon His lotus flower just to the the left of the loose-lipped corvid) and their beautiful, would-be guest).

With that, Edwin the Bee lifted up His little Bee head toward Cousin Eddie, and He snickered and spoke simply, "What would Kev do?"

Cousin Eddie looked back down at Edwin and replied, "Well, I've known Kev since the beginning, You know. He'd find a way to bend the rules without breaking them. He wouldn't turn away hardly anyone...and certainly not a gorgeous lady like Calliope."

Edwin adjusted his little Bee glasses, then winked, and spoke succinctly to Kev's soulmate, "Well, then you have your answer. This IS Kev's imagination, after all."

Just then, the loyal and responsible gatekeeping Stellers Jay felt the need to hop down from Achilles' Last Stand, and join the others gathered at the Sacred Garden gate. He finally spoke, "Before we all start habla-ing and talking about bendingly bending and maybe perhaps even breaking rules, can I ask Calliope Calliope just how she found her way aqui, here?"

"Fer sure, handsome Stellers Jay," Calliope replied sweetly. Then she sang, "I came through a portal, of course!...with a little help from my fairy godmother."

To this day, no one has ever heard Edwin the Bee laugh louder or more sincerely.

And so this is how the fabulous Calliope came to dwell inside my Sacred Garden.

Welcome, Calliope.

Thank you for coming along on my crazy journey...all of you, dear readers!

Life is beautiful beautiful.

And we love you.

Semba.

Kev
XX













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    KeV Atomic was Xanadu Dead and is now both of them. 

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